Thursday, April 28, 2011

Welcome to Lala- Land

Once upon a time in a land far far away, *I mean so far away that you can’t locate it on a map* in the kingdom of Lala Land, there lived a princess, Laali.
Now unlike other princesses you may happen to know, she wasn’t the typical vain oh-so-pretty type. In fact, all her life she had been given a sound education by her father Bigshow, the King, and never found time for frolicking or silly airy romances.

And then one day, she met Teenoo, a carefree village boy who had an impressionable cool dude attitude. He had been brought up on his father’s farm and bore the typical traits of a tough dishevelled lad.

As their eyes locked each others on one fateful day in her palace garden, Laali felt a sudden pang of breezy fluttering in her heart. The kind that people often call love. Teenoo however walked past without a care for this ordinary bespectacled dame lest she fired him for stealing the garden fruits.

Laali returned to her palace hugely upset and with a crushed confidence, only to meet her aunts. No sooner had they asked her the cause of her concern, she burst into a stream of tears, ‘Nobody loves me, nobody cares for me’, she wailed and recounted the tale of her newly found love.

Her aunts exchanged knowing glances and were more than willing to shell out their piece of advice for her, given their elaborate experiences and the popularity their respective love stories had made far and wide.

Her aunt Cindre-wari, cleared her throat and in a dramatic way explained to her of how she had managed to rope her prince. ‘All men reallyyyy realllly care about is looks...good looks, good looks andddd good looks. A chic outfit, a twirl here and there, carelessly leave behind a possession like your glove or slipper and Voila! He will come running for you like a puppy.’

On listening to this, her aunt Snow-mati airily contributed her two pence. ‘Well I don’t know about your other aunts, but in my case your chaacha fell for my beautiful flawless chaar tone tak adhik gori skin. All you have to do is create a base of anti pimple cream, apply one coat of haldi, then another of Fair, Young and Lovely, one of FairForever and lastly give a few finishing touches with Garniered Age lift. Trust me on this babe, he will have eyes only for you. Even ghosts of four hundred years ago won’t stand a chance against your chaaiyya- free twacha!
And just for added precaution, get some seven to eight dwarfy’s hanging around you. After all we don’t want this Romeo to think he ain’t got no competition eh?’, she said and winked at a wide eyed Laali.

Rapunza-vanti nodded her head in disagreement. ‘Now, now ladies, let’s not get carried away here. What I think men really are smitten by is a woman’s hair. I just had to shake my mane and look what that did for me. One bottle of Javed Kabab’s Sunnysilk and half a bottle of soft, silky and extra black conditioner for dry, damaged and abnormal hair later, this Teenoo ji will be ready to shave his head for you.’

On listening to all these enlightening speeches from her wise aunts Laali decided to give herself a complete makeover. She was determined to get Teenoo to fall in love with her.



Gone were the big round spectacles and the behenji type attire was replaced by a gorgeous Chanel-a gown, nails French manicured, hair blow dried and smelling of the most exotic perfumes. She took her entourage of newly acquired chamchaa’s as suggested, into the same garden at the same time she had met her beloved Teenoo the other day.

And there he was again.
Mesmerised by her good looks he gaped at her.
With all her make-up, she fluttered her eye lashes coyly.
There definitely was a connection.

5 seconds and he was spellbound. He was intimidated by her beauty and perfection.
A minute later, he finally found his tongue.

As Laali held her breath, for the first time, he spoke to her, ‘Emm hi. Can I get your phone number?’

She was puzzled.
‘What? Aren’t you supposed to ask me if I will marry you so we can live happily ever after??? Or at least compliment my beauty and tell how you are willing to lay down your life for me?’

He stared at her and gulped.
He walked back two spaces and replied in a meek voice.
‘Lay down my life? For what? You don’t even look as good as Katreen Kaif! Sorry girl, but a fancy princess like you is just wayyy too high maintenance :o’

Moral of the story- Zamaana badal raha hai jaani! :P

To read more on the Laali series, click here.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dum Maaro Dum- Reviewed!

I’m guessing your reaction is, Huh? Movie release ho gayi? Hehe no. It doesn't release until 10 days from now. This is another of my advance reviews so I can gloat like the Headlines Today wala’s of ‘Yes, folks....THIS is where you heard it first’.

Dum Maaro Dum comes as an ‘inspired’ version of the Hollywood counterpart ‘Traffic’ starring the ‘critically acclaimed’ Abhishek Bacchan. Why do I use those words in single quotes? Well, because this ‘cool accent- Get Idea- Thank God my dad’s a star’ dude has managed to get things consistently wrong....from Drona to Raavan to Khele Hum Jee Jaan se to Game...flop after flop after flop, you start to think, Wow! This guy must be made of Sona Chaandi Amritpraash!
Yep, acting ain’t no Bhangra baby! :P

Before the post mortem, I would like to divide this movie’s audience into three broad categories,
1- The type who compulsively watch every movie. They might actually end up liking it cos I can guarantee, in their time killing career, they may have seen much muchh worse ones. I mean, what with movies starring Mimoh Chakraborty or Himesh ji’s Kajra! Oh silly me! That crashed even before hitting the theatres. :o

2- The second one is for those tagged by friends. I can totally feel my sympathy rooting for them. What can I say, life’s like that! :-(

3- Jeez Louise! Are you kidding me? This segment is for the empty chairs in the multiplex! I mean what kind of person in their right mind could actually ‘like’ Abhishek Bacchan AND Bipasha Basu???

The Plot- This comes as a story of 6 people who meet in Goa, get involved with the drug mafia and turn their lives into a run for your life, mummyyy bachao bachao, hotchpotch.

What’s hottt!
Deepika ka item number- Ok I must admit, until Munni and Sheila I thought myself to be quite open- minded to accept any form of bold and raunchy numbers. This track here however raised the bar to a whole new level and as cool I’d like to think I am, it kinda knocked me over with my mouth open in mid sentence to a ‘hawwwww!’
*Yess, I’m a girl and I’m straight*

Prateik Babbar- Ever since his appearance in what the Sentosa natives may call ‘Dobigaught’; friends, Mumbaikars and countrymen have actually started taking him pretty seriously. Also, lurking in the wardrobe are remarks of his star parents which I’m not so sure is a good thing. I mean, look what that has done to ‘Abi Baby’.
All the same, I do think he would come as a mood lifting element in an otherwise fit for the dumps package.

Dolby 7.1 Surround sound- This, it seems is the first Indian movie ever to have that. Ok lemme be honest. I don’t even know what it is!

What’s NOT hot!
Aditya Pancholi- Ewwwww! I didn’t even know he existed! Also, the last time I remember, he was in the middle of some high on dope controversy. Aha! So they wanted the movie to be absolutely life like. Numm nummm...okies! Me gets it now!

Rana Daggubatti- First of all what kind of a name is that? Supposedly a Telugu actor paired alongside hamaari Bipasha ji. Anyway, the last time we heard of a certain Harman Baweja, he came down like a pack of cards given his resemblance to Hritik Roshan.
The Rana chap looks like a clone of Shabbir Ahluwalia! Need I say more?
Nope nope. I see no hope for you my man!

Controversiesssss- The movie has already been dragged into this rigmarole of Dev Anand objecting to remixing his movie song as their title track. Course, he saw the video and we heard from him no more. Ahem!
Also, there was the case for the movie trying to tarnish Goa’s ‘clean image’ and derogatory remarks to the women of Goa which has created ripples at the State level and gone knock knock to the High Court.

Drugs, a flop cast with no ‘Dum’, crappy story and now hardcore politics...Oye hoye...they’ve been there and rocked that!

Star rating- Zero. *BECAUSE I HAAAATE Abhishek!!*
My take- Avoid!!! If you musttt watch it though, then I reckon you ensure leaving your sanskaar in a neat pile at the PVR doorstep. :P

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sailing on clouds

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 19; the nineteenth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Dear Diaryyyy

7 pm- Dubai Standard Time. *I think*
‘Humi did you reach safely? Did you eat anything? Beta, please eat something! What will you eat? You will find something yourself na? Please please don’t stay hungry!’
Uff khaana khaana khaana! My beloved Bollywood mumma still thinks I’m her chunnu munnu and living in India has made me a poor famished size zero kitten.
I wonder why these airports are sooo sooo cold man! Also, the guy sitting next to me on the sector here had this awful yuck yuckkk type cologne and now my abaaya smells of it too! Buhoooo :-(
5 hours of frolicking at Dubai Duty Free! Yayyy meeee!

9 pm
Bhrrrr. Bored. Seen everything. Done everything. Roamed around the entire shopping arcade. I wonder what kind of people buy stuff like Rasna from here. Weird no?
The Swarovski crystal showcase was wowwwieee! I really wish I’d be standing there and some bell would ring over my head after which everyone would come rushing to me and say ‘Congratsssss Miss Humera! You just won the big jackpot and can take anyyything from our showroom......FOR FREEEE!’ Yippeeeeee! *sigh*
By the way, something half as cool almost happened. I bought a chocolate and got a scratch card that actuallyyyy for a minute lured me into believing I could win the multiple grade yaada yaada mileage Lexus!
Grabbed a coin and scratched it!
Card says- ‘Better luck next time’
Bwackk! Classsic!
Me is the hungry’ssss!
So long!

9.15 pm
Mc Donalds!!! I’m lovin it. Turoo tuttooo
Almost tempted to use the tag line ‘Pet khush to sabbb khush’ Emm what was it for?
Hehe. Dang!
Wonder why that guy is waving at me. Do I know him??
Nah don’t think so! Will hog now. Over and out!

11.15 pm
Dudeee! The weirdest thing happened. I told you na someone waved at me, but then I couldn’t recollect who he was. And then he came to my table and was all like
‘Heyyy! How are youuuu! How have you beeenn!!!! Rehan! You remember me right?’ etc....etc.
The whole thing got really awkward. I even tried searching my memory database for a Rehan....searching.....searching...key word not found :-(
How could I have missed someone so good looking? Or maybe he was like the ugly duckling who grew into a swan. Ah! Whatever!
Anyway so I staged a ‘Ohhhhh it’s youuuu!’ wala drama. And thennn he said all about how he missed college days in Bombay so it all kinda fit in.
And THAT’s when he gave me a shock shock shockkk!
‘How come you haven’t been coming online Sana? It’s been ages! And you look soooo different in a burkha! Cute, I say!’
Sana???? Sana??? Arey now who is this Sana?
And thatttt is when the dimaag ka bulb lit up. Suddenly all his good looks were slashed to a half. Poor guy thought I was someone else.
Also, he went on and on about how he and his ‘Sana’ dame were bestesttt buddies and blah blah!

I mean think about it. If they were soooooo good friends, then how come he totally mistook someone else to be her? Or maybe I have an identical twin sis. But I never even went to a Kumbh ka mela!!
*PJ I know! :P*

11.30 pm
At the boarding gate. Thank God! Flight’s on time! Seeee that’s why I louuve Emirates. Even though the food smells yuckkk and the bread is cold, at least they have cool movies that you can kill time with! Wonder what he will do when he speaks to the real Sana. Such a nice guy...damn this Sana!
Just had a sudden thought. Why did he ask for my email id?
Weren’t he and so called ‘Sana’ supposed to be friends on chat???
Okies! Time to board!

11.40 pm
Lol! Was just at the boarding gate when I caught a note on my boarding pass. Here’s what was scrawled on it in the tiniestttttt, most God- awful handwriting!-

Suni meri sadaa to kis yakeen se
Ghataa utar ke aa gayi zameen pe
Rahi yehi lagan to aye dil-e-jawaan
Asar bhi ho rahega ek haseen pe!

Not the most articulate I daresay, but 9 hours of jet lag have quite literally killed the shaayar in me so turned to the next best option- a Bollywood song!

Hi Humera!
Your boarding card fell out of your passport while at the cash counter.
I guess I embarrassed you for a bit there mistaking you for a friend. Was apprehensive I’d mess things further when I did find out. Thank you for being such a sport and bearing with my banter. Talking to you was an absolute delight! Wish we could start over.
I trust you will be hearing from me I can apologise more coherently ofcourse. ;)
Bon Voyage!”

Awww! How sweeeet!
Will sleep now! Seated next to an aunty.
Why do I always have to sit next to uncles, aunties, total duds or wailing babies???
Trying to feel bad but I just can’t stop smilinggg!!!
*happy eyes*

Tataaaa!!!!!.......Lub youuu!......Fiamanillah!
Humeraaaaaa :-)))))

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