Monday, August 30, 2010

Pakda Pakdi: Redefined!

Remember pakda pakdi? Arey you played that when you were small baba. Also sometimes termed as catchum catch. Haa so this post is dedicated to that.

*Warning- Lots of Hindi and poor English ahead. Venture only if you have the time and patience*

You see its Sunday and I am at the office. Why? Cos boss ne kaha. Obviously! Do I look like the sort of person who would volunteer to "work"???? Wo bhi for "free"???? And of course I could work, but thennnn if I get too much work done then the boss will be super impressed with the Sadiya (not that he isn't already) and call me to work every Sunday. You know na Rule No. 1 of office culture.....Don't give your boss the wrong signal like you are too hard working! Or was it Don't flirt with your colleagues if they are not so good looking? Uhh...forgot.

Anyway so since I am in a silly spoiled irritated mood, I thought of doing something that is my signature dumb and stoopid. I can sense you are thinking...Is that what people do when in a bad mood? Answer- Ya man! Totally!

Right so today , rather now, I am going to give you the Sadiya Dictionary ka meaning for all those pakda pakdi rhymes that we recited as kids.....If you try and recollect, you will be stunned to know that 20 plus years down, and you still don't know what they mean. And worse, if I hadn't told you, you would have never figured out the profound intricacy attached to them! Sigh! Koi nahi! Depressed na ho tusi! Abhi main hoo!

So here are the rhymes followed by their meaning in brackets anddd the deeper meaning that they conveyed to us as baccha party. At the end of this exercise, I assure you, you will see new light.

Inki pinki ponky (We are playing table tennis)
Father had a donkey (babuji had a gadhaa)
Donkey died (gadhaa mar gaya)
Father cried (babuji very sad)
Inki pinki ponky (we said, hataao yaar and continued playing table tennis)

The deeper meaning- Deekras keep your bhaavna's in sayyam and whatever happens, let it not affect your playing spirit.

In pin safety pin (Once upon a time there lived a pin and a safety pin)
In pin out (they both decide to go hamara Express Avenue aur kaha)

Out goes the safety pin (Safety pin is ready and shouting at the door ki baba- Pin come out fast nooo)
In pin out (Pin gets ready jaldi jaldi se and comes out....wo bhi without make up and all! )
The deeper meaning- Don't be late! Because if you are, then you will not have time to put perfume and then you will smell bad and everyone will stare at a bad way that is!

Dip dip dip  (Om shanti om)

My blue ship (Same day released...almosttt blue movie...Saawariya)
Sailing in the water (Both same fate...audience telling ki jaake paani main doob mar)
Dip dip dip (do the kriyaakaram and phir se bolo...Om shanti om)
The deeper meaning- Don't torture the mango people. Cos otherwise they will give you solid shaap and thereby you will either stay single for life, like the Bhansali ji, or become sooper dooper motu like the Farah ji.

Inti pinti alkasa  (Nicholas Sarkozy went to Alaska)
Tip toe nakkaba (with his wife, Carla ji...she wears nice shoes and looks ekdam tip top)
Nakka bikka bikka boo (then after doing some nakhra they decide to go out for dinner...they search and search but cannot find good food so instead get drunk.)
French! (matlab not just any food- French food)
The deeper meaning- Don't drink alcohol. If you drink the madira then no place left in stomach for the yummy yummy khaana like the French Toast and the French Fries.

Eenie meenie miney mo (I got a new cat and it says meow meow)

Catcha tiger by its toe (it ran out of the house like a tiger, me ran P.T. Usha like and caught it)
---Emm rest I forgot.
The deeper meaning- Be kind to animals otherwise Maneka Gandhi will get angry and bring Varun ji to give exquisite gaalis! Oh yeah save the tiger too (Save yourself first, by not going anywhere near it). You know na only 1411 left.

Yes folks, that's all we have time for! If you can recollect any other interesting and sensational rhymes, then let me know and I will refer to my dictionary and translate it for you! Wo bhi freeee! Uhh hurry!?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Wishing on an udan khatola

Doesn’t make sense? Yeah that’s just about the idea. This is going to be a flowing tale of a strange travel encounter my brother had a couple of weeks ago. And I was so moved /devastated /overcome /whatever whatever, that I even resorted to writing a post out of it. (Ok well, it’s a holiday and I had nothing to do, so opened a blank Word document and this is the best I could come up with.)
You can be sure this is the beginning of a short yawn and get your blanky....step into your pajama’s and feel cosy....will keep it as brief as possible though...

My brother travelled Air India to Saudi, and as is the Indian version of Murphy’s law, if you travel Air India, some (mis)adventure is bound to happen to you (FYI, my dad’s baggage has travelled to Colombo more times than our entire khandaan put together). Now we were only just guessing what might happen this time round, when the airline folks sensed our anticipation and decided on not letting us down.

-------------------At the baggage claim----------------------

Air India- Sir your bag hasn’t arrived. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused.

My brother- *Uhh usual it will come right at the end when the entire hall is empty and there is enough time to span out and zoom into all the wonderful photographs of the kings (emm oh sorry they are all the same pictures), and colors of the tiles and the fire alarms on the roof and the...*

Air India- Emm your baggage seems to be in another country. Sir again, we are very sorry for the inconvenience caused.

My brother- Ahh no problem...happens all the time... I’ll get it tomorrow. *Been there, done that. You want some action, you need to try harder than that buddy!*

-----------One week later--------------

My brother- Has my bag arrived?

Air India- No Sir...kal pakka.

My brother- But you said that yesterday, and day before, and day-day before, and all the days before the day-day before, starting from the day after the first day!

Air India- Sir we are sorry for the inconvenience caused.

------------Same day---------------------

Sadiya- ROTFL!!! Still didn’t come? TOLD YOU, travel Emirates

My Brother- Bye dideee

------------Next day---------------------

Air India- Sir your bag has arrived

My brother- Great! I’ll come and get it.

------------A couple of hours, a never ending drive in the middle of the desert and whole lot of crappy songs on the FM later-------------------

Air India- Sir we have your bag with us but could you please provide the details first.... baggage tag, color, shape, size, weight, height

My Brother- *No I wasn’t planning to get it married*....Here it is.


Small problem. It wasn’t black was brown....also the bag was a complete wreck...broken from every corner. In case I didn’t mention, the saving grace being, the Air India wala’s had so kindly and lovingly put freeeee masking tape all over the bag so everything wouldn’t just tumble out. Phew! How so very thoughtful!

My brother *shocked!!! *

And then he went into elaborate arguments that summed up to......... Call who’s in charge, call the manager, call the supervisor, call the blah and the blah, actually call everyone... even those who are locked up somewhere in some smelly closet.......and yielding to what outcome? Emm ..... ‘Sir, we are sorry for the inconvenience caused’ multiplied by a good twenty times. *aaarrrgghh*

-----------Later that day--------------

Sadiya- Chalo damaged hi sahi, tooti footi hi sahi..... finally madam has come! I think you should write a letter and claim damages.

My Brother- You write.

Sadiya- Arey but it happened to you na. Btw if you had travelled Emirates, this never would have happened in the first place.

My Brother- Bye didee.

-------One letter later--------------------

Air India - Sir we received your letter dated blah......first of all I’d like to say, sorry for the inconvenience caused....and we are willing to pay for the damages, provided you tell us the cost of the bag.

My Brother- *Hai sachi??? Great!* 150 Riyals I think.

Air India- Give it in writing and we will give you a check.

My Brother- *sapna hai ya sach!* Sure!

------------Later that day-----------------

Sadiya- But the bag was for 190 bucks na!!!! Dumbo!

My brother- Yeah? I think I will tell them

Sadiya- Fuhorrget it! This itself they are giving is a big deal. If you ask for more, jutti you will get.

My Brother- No I will tell na ki it was a mistake.

----------------THE SHOCKING PART!!! MANN MAIN LADDOO PHOOTA----------------------------------------

My Brother- Actually the bag was for 190 bucks.

Air India- No problem Sir. Just write another letter.

-----5 minutes later........SECOND SHOCK! MANN MAIN DOOSRA LADDOO PHOOTA-------


Air India- Sir, we will be charging depreciation on your bag.

My Brother - *Great I knew was too good to be true* Ok!

Air India- So I would request you to fill in the amount as per the original cost plus the in 210 bucks.

My Brother- *HUHHHHHH!!! Delirious!*


For the record, one week down, my brother received the 190 bucks ka check.

Can’t quite believe it! I mean since when did they switch from Lousy-go-to-hell- service- wala’s to Oh-so-efficient-we-care-for-our-customers-wala’s??????? I remember once on the aircraft I asked for water and the air hostess turned me down saying the plane would soon take off and I must wait for another half hour, after which she conveniently forgot......*I had an exit row seat!!!! Right next to the damn pantry/kitchen or whatever else you call it man!!!!*


Sadiya- Mubarka!! You actually got it!

My Brother- Yeahhh you know didee I just hated that bag.....good they broke it.....even you should travel Air India next time

Sadiya- Emm Bye!


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Problems.....chal hatt

Meherbaan's and kadardaan's.......
First, allow me to make an introduction........... They have no electricity, their houses are made of thatched roofs, the nearest water closets being well over a kilometre away. And I thought... Oh beechar people......must be so frustrated to live in such a God forsaken place. But here's the biggest surprise......this is the way they CHOOSE to live. They DO NOT WANT ELECTRICITY because with it comes TV, radio and other modern gadgets that create class differences. And this is the place that has produced several doctors, lawyers, engineers and other professionals. They all live together, pray together and the biggest upside....They are happy with this simple life.
Before you think I'm cooking up some fantasy, I'd like you to know, it's a true instance of a village named Meivazhisalai, near Chennai and is what appeared in The Deccan Chronicle.

Now I'm not the full on deshbhakt type but my love for the country defines new levels when it comes to beauty paegants and cricket matches. However, sometimes there's a small little voice that pricks.....Is India really all that great? Is this whole 'Mera Bharat Mahan' thingy overrated?

So what am I getting at? Just this.......the only reason why we even feel the unsatisfaction is because we ourselves to others and start developing a complex. Oh look their media is so efficient...ours isn't..........Their life is so comfortable, we don't even have electricity. What if we just stopped? What if we too thought like those villagers and felt happy with what we had? For the record, the leader of the village is 110 years old and agile enough to give an interview plus a free handshake. Cool no!

Here's my theory.... If there is a problem, fix it. If you can't, then stop cribbing, smile in the mirror, pretend like you have a dimple and do it the Sadiya way.

There was this ad on TV that I caught....which went like... "Hippo ka maanna hai ki har buraai ki jad hai bhook"........Hippo does not mean the animal Hippo, and not even a philosopher (short for Sri Sri Hipaneshwaracharya) who comes as the latest avatar of Aristotle, but is actually a chips packet.......Now you might have various questions like why in the world did they name chips as "Hippo" (kya kare creativity ka zamaana hai dude) or still deeper questions like, how can eating a chips packet end all buraai that exists in this world? Answer- I don’t know.

So instead I will give you answers to other questions that luckilyyy I do happen to know......Presentingg my newestttt latesttt and total todu fodu theories on solutions to all the major problems India faces today.....Allow me to enlighten you.....

To begin with, we define our problem/(s). Now I am going to take up the 5 most prominent ones (in order of priority) and solve them chutkiyo main. Watch! ;)....I would also say learn....but then nothing much to learn

1- Employee layoff’s- Now you might wonder why this ranks top of my list......the reason being, unlike other problems like terrorism, we come out of it alive with just a little deflationary dent in our ego.....I mean its one thing to know you are useless but to be told so by others is an altogether different, its not a global issue so can be addressed at the individual level.

Solution- The main reason why you get laid off is because you give your boss the impression that you are what you really need to do, is every time your boss shows up, open the lengthiesttt Balance sheets and furiously jab numbers over your calci. Also, ensure your expression at all times is like those of models walking on the ramp and portraying like theirs is the mosttt serious job in the world! Think! All they have is looks.....You on the other hand have a degree......Surely you can manage this much! Next, share your lunch with your boss.....(best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...remember remember??) this way he won’t fire you cos having you ousted would mean no yumm yumm lunch for him=huuuuge loss....the point of layoff’s is to cut losses naaa!

And finally, always keep a copy of The Financial Times with you....Smarty oye!

Root cause of layoff= Recession- which is next up.

2- Recession- As you may have already noticed, any problem we ever face in India, is blamed on recession.....its like the new age Raavan that needs to be fought, not by dancing under waterfalls like Jr. Mrs. Bacchan, but by using an altogether different technique.

Solution- Reduce our turnover....the main cause of recession is new technology that has led to huge production hence fewer takers, hence losses......Therefore, start se start karo.....reduce this production......cut slack.....and India is just right for this kind of stuff. I mean the last time I checked we were a developing country.....and its been that way since I was born at leasttt....(Didn’t I turn out just fine?)..... So my take is.....just let things be the way they were....since when did we become so sophisticated to work every single second of the day? Why change our identity by adopting all this lateshhtt technology? If others think we are a land of mystical baba’s then let it be....What difference does it make?.......I propose.... 2 hrs lunch break+ 20 mins tea break in the morning+ 20 mins tea break in the evening. This way we do our own thing, have a better social life, hire our own people and improve market adaptability situation.......But yeah I guess we could use high speed exception is no big deal na?

3- Inflation- Everyone is complaining about it......Now people don’t buy cars because the fuel happens to be more expensive than the car in the long run..... so how to curtail that?

Solution- Simple! Don’t pay your taxes....that way you will have 30% more income.....(the inflation rate in 2009 was 11.09% as per Google....duh! how else would I know?)........So this way you actually make a profit and when the tax authorities issue a case hearing for you and ask for a bribe to ‘settle’ the matter, put your phone wala camera to good use and send the clip to CNN IBN as a citizen journalist!!!!!! Tadaaaa! This way you get famous too!

4- Frequent air crashes- Ok I don’t even need to start on how every other day there is a flash headline on how an aircraft crashed or nearly crashed.......needless to say we first say hhhh.....then recollect if any of our friends and family were on board.... thank God for our safety and make a vow never to travel by Air India (in most cases that’s the carrier)......and then if we have time after that, express our grief for those now swaaha. This definitely needs to end....The main reason as I understand for this problem, is faulty engineering and overworked pilots.

Solution- Hire more engineers.......Yeah there are scores of unemployed engineers down south of our country.....take them in! for pilots, well they should be allowed a one hour ‘power nap’ when flying in order to encourage free style operations......just take the aircraft wherever you like....C’mon everyone could use a holiday......and most of us travel economy anyway so its not like we are going to miss a million dollar deal right?

If in case we do miss one, then sue them......that way paper losses that are going to be incurred, would at least be for the right reasons!

5- And finally, Terrorism- Yeah that’s a big one. The reason for terrorism is unhappy people.......So that needs to be changed.

Solution- Firstly, Mani Ratnam and Sanjay Leela Bhansali should be banned from making see the start of terrorism is depression......3 hours of Dil Se or Saawariya is definitely enough to trigger the cause.

Secondly, and dating websites need to be popularized.....that way, if every guy has a girlfriend/wife, the lady will ensure that any kind of revolutionary ideas in her sweetheart’s head is instantly smacked out, and symptoms of recurrence would be greeted by a grilling interrogation cum pravachans cum nagging and reminders of how ridiculous he was= Shame for life! He will think as in most cases, that he is worthless.....And as we all know, people with low self morale, don’t blow up cities. Huh!

And successfully, my social responsibility of bringing about ways to world peace stands completed......I think I may be thinking the same thing that you are thinking....I would make a sooper sooper Miss India....No?

Pringoo (No, they are not related to Pringles!)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Tipped away

Ok so we were at this restaurant the other day...Never mind the service was bad and the food awful..... Never mind also the fact that landing up in that place was solely my own fault......All that aside, once the food was sorted and everyone was done cribbing about my lousy idea to come visit this place, the last leg of paying the bill is all that remained......anddd we asked for the check....While that was being attended to, and I was busy removing my bhadaas on the comments card, here’s what we noticed......

Hindi films like- Kyaaaa????? Doubt. Ab ye naya Service charge kya hai bhaai? I mean I know what Service Tax is. I also know what VAT is. But what is this new funda? And wo bhi 10%!!!! I assume that is the new technical word given to a prefixed tip.....but then again, does that mean you don’t leave a tip? But isn’t that really rude?

Now the funny thing here is, the hotel wala’s are being cheap enough to put a price on their own service (which was pretty non-existent in this current restaurant case), and still better they play with the customer’s psyche who will think “No can I not leave anything?....Looks bad”.......So most people who qualify as decent folks end up paying twice. Whatever happened to all those hoity-toity hotelier ethics?

Another funny thing I realised when typing this is, somehow a tip to a large extent is not even for the real cause itself......because every time you go to a fancy place, the green leaving your pocket as scraps is far more, than when you are in an average so- so-ish dhaaba.......and that is pretty irrespective of the service you receive at all.

For the record, we still left a tip....but this is something I really wish to understand....What does a Service Charge imply? Explanations would be welcome.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Chale to chaand tak...nahi to shaam tak

So Rahul Mahajan has messed it up again! Royally! Oh some people just don’t get it, do they?
I mean after going down as a guy on weed and then landing a pataaka like pilot wife itself was more than his lucky stars could ever ask for. Karrbon kamaal katch. But nope.

Ye dil maange more naaaa.

So the lady went away crying roping the spolit lalla in for domestic violence. After what I assume must have been a reverse dowry, he managed to shut that and got all haute into starring in a movie as the leading guy. starring Rahul Mahajan......hmm must be about research stuff on how people manage to come up with such a hideous laugh!

So that didn’t work (Need I say why? Might have worked if it was in Bhojpuri though) and instead, he showed up at Bigg Boss dwiteeya......crowned the playboy among inmates and a flick here with Payal Rohatgi and a flip there with Monica Bedi, we poor audiences were fabricated into believing that was the zenith cum simultaneous end of his fame. But no.....galti......he made a comeback with Rahul ka Swayamvar! (Aplogiessss but I’m going to ignore the kiddo show he made an appearance in.....for the sheer stoopidity of his comments in there.)

Now he was bigger than ever. 14 eye- fluttering kanyaa’s at his beck and call. Could life get any better? With the whole event’s fame quotient and a guy with his face and history suddenly all suhooper demand main, you can only feel sorry for one person.

No, I’m not talking about Dimpy Ganguliji, his wife from the show (Shorrie to say but that surname is destined to get you dumped everywhere), but actually the NDTV Imagine wala’s. You know why? Cos they seem to do everything right and yet, somehow the whole project backfires in the end.

Now take for instance......Rakhi Sawant......they ran her on TV for weeks on end, sahofied her over the top drama, unending nakhra’s, fake aansu, got her dressed as a bride (Can’t even imagine how many paapad’s they had to belo for that), even got the varmaala thingy going.....and what happens?.....last minute medammm says..... ‘We need to spend some time together before the real deal’......Couple of weeks down and Elesh ji was given the handle.

So the next time round with Rahul, they made doubly sure that things would go on track this time and even got him married apne aakho ke saamne just so it was right as right could be. And what happened? Flopped again.

Too bad ya! Well anyway they made their buck I suppose so no one needs to shed a tear.

Oh and I almost forgot, to testify Rahul’s ‘impeccable character’, the duo even showed up on Emotional Atyachaar (Haa haa wahi show that gives media mileage to infidelity issues)......with them both going all mushy mushy...... ‘I love you, you love me, together we make a happy family’.....yaada yaada yaada......and now after the breakup, what do we say??......Buhahaha! Insecure people!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Aisha- Reviewed

A copy of 'Stardust' costs 75 ka ticket (aka walkey talkey fashion catalogue) costed 70 bucks.....hmm guess I didn't make a bad deal after all !!!! Oh and gaalo main gadde wala Abhay was yumm yumm:)
So the movie releases on Friday....So today is Wednesday. So I am writing a review in advance. Haaa! Get it, get it? Nahi kya? Arey I’m so jobless yaar. That’s why. But you dekhna, this is my prediction of the movie and I am pritteeee positive it’s going to end like this. So here, if you have free time, then you stand nothing to lose and be so kind as to give your aankhein udhaar for a bit.
Based on the first look of the movie, I thought it’s the Indian version of The Shopaholic series.....course later Sonam ji said it’s the Indian version of Emma....Oops chalo acha hua Jane Austin is dead....she just might have contemplated doob marna in some Coke bottle ka dhakkan on seeing this. Anyway moving on.

One thing I mustttt mention is, and that’s especially after watching I Hate Love Stories......all the cast has a great wardrobe......they look all shiny shiny......course in this whole looking good process they just might forget the part that you also have to ‘act’ in movies, but hey who cares.....We are Indians na....we will watch anyyything! Ask Ekta Kapoor if you don’t believe me. (Also hear her Once Upon a time in Mumbaai is doing great....hmm I suppose she finally understands, ki it’s not the ‘K’, it’s the ‘Tushaar’ that was manhoos all along).

Ok focus focus- Over to Abhay Deol......Wowwieee my current fevretessst hero......he is going to be great in the movie. Actually all his movies are good.....I am saying this with so much confidence cos I haven’t yet seen a single movie starring him......but then he has a great dimple so how can he be bad? Like duh!

About Sonam Kapoor....... looks fab, sounds like Manisha Koirala and acts like crap. Yeah that should summarise it.

@Music- I louuve it. And especially that Punjabi thingy....Haven’t quite learnt the words yet. But what confuses me is why are they all dressed up like Keralites and then singing in Punjabi? Strange no? Ohhh. National integration and all! That must be it!

Now a word about the general success of the movie.......I predict it’s going to be a hit hit......especially in places like Hyderabad. You know why? Cos every second girl there is named Aisha. When I was in school, every class had at leastttt 2 of them.....I could bet all those Aisha’s are going to want to check it out! And Bard said ‘What’s in a name’ Bah! Too bad my poor Himesh ji didn’t pluck on this strategy before! :(

The direction, the cinematography, the choreography, the is that going to be? Emm how should I know? And since when did I become an expert in these things??? Movie- khois. Bas Yalla khalaas.