Thursday, June 24, 2010

Say the Hello's to the Venu

I haven’t ever made a formal intro to anyone on this blog no?
So here’s making a fresh start......Presenting one person who’s annoying me out of my skull consistently for over a period of one year- Mr. Venu. (Full name and all I don’t know)
So who is he? A Chartered Accountant......Now you might start to get this ‘respect’ thingy welling for him on hearing that, but please, dispel such hideous feelings cos you have NO idea on the kind of torture he has subjected me to.

He came as a harmless person totally sucking up all the time and calling me ‘medamm’, ‘medamm’ for everything......Now as I was new in Chennai I obviously thought it was pretty cool to be called ‘medamm’.....that too by someone who must be a senior citizen (read- he has white hair....don’t have the guts to ask for his birth certificate)......It was only much later when auto drivers and peons called me that, ki I realized ‘medamm’ in Chennai is the equivalent of ‘behen ji’ in Mumbai......*Culture shock*....So much for that!
About the man himself, it is his goal in life to see me qualify as a CA.....which is he calls up all the time asking if I need his ‘service’....Now don’t get me wrong...I totally appreciate that, but in my philosophy phone calls for over 10 minutes by some random old guy are totally uncool, especially if the conversation revolves around topics like my preparation for the exam and if he disturbed me in my prayer (Seriously, do I look sooo religious?)...asked back to back to back a hundred times ....So me at the other end wants to say..... 'Thanks for calling.....Bubbiee!’....but instead, I’m stuck with ‘Yes sir..... Sure sir.....Not a problem sir’. Bah! I disgust myself!

All was well until some time ago. But that’s when I realized he was a sooper sooper chamchaa to my boss......and copied and pasted every syllable of my conversation to him......thanx to which I can’t even tell you how much trouble I voluntarily put myself into.

First, he sent me to a seminar on ‘Audit of Public Sector Undertakings’.......Bwackkk....I don’t even understand the topic, let alone detailed analysis by experts....and the food too was reallyyyy awful.

And once the exams were over, he asked me to ‘evaluate’ my performance, give marks to each question and hand it to him......blink....blink.......Is he out of his mind????.....What kind of normal people do that?.....I wasn’t yet done with thanking Allah for ending the exams and now he wants me to go over with it again???? And he thinks I’m going to give him a REAL evaluation????? No offence but those are like my deepesttt secrets....Nobody is supposed to know that....Even the version my parents get from me is ‘Oh the paper was great....*smile smile*’....So what’s the chance that this kal ka pseudo professional would get it from me?......I figured 2 master solutions.

1- Tell him I lost the question papers itself......fineshhttt problem solved. Trouble is- It’s ok to lose one paper.....even two maybe....but then 8??....Pehle to that’s bad for my reputation and practically speaking, hugely impossible! How can anyone be so careless?
Yaba daba doo...Won’t work....Next solution.....

2- Tell him I gave my papers to a friend for no? There is no way he can verify my not having done as much...Plus, I can even get a friend to substantiate my claim.
Tadaa! So the second one is what I picked and told it with a straight face. Did it go well?
Nooooo. He saw right through it.....Still worse he complained to my boss for which the boss told the Sadiya ‘Don’t act too smart!’
My first reaction- I was angry. How can he be so sure? Suppose I had really given it then? And I even had proof! But I guess saying all that would look still more pitiful.
Made me feel bad, not for getting caught, but cos I couldn’t even tell a lie thik se!!...That’s like a huuuge insult!

And still worse, he keeps asking me on whether my friend ‘returned’ those papers to me...Hawww taunting!
What makes the worse news absolutely the worst is, he joined MY office and is going to sit opposite me every single day!!!! Of all the million offices in Chennai he found only my office???? Ye sab mere saath kyu ho raha hai!! Now I can’t even listen to music at work!
Ordinarily I would have been depressed to hear that and rightfully was....but hold it...I found something totally grand that I had never thought of before....He louuves to use the word ‘actually’.
“Actually medamm what are you trying to say actually”
“Actually I had already asked for the details actually”

So nowwww me is going to count the number of times he says ‘actually’ in one day. That wayyy I will not get bored to death or yawn in his face and dose off and thussss I stand no risk of getting fired!! Yayaya!

Nobody takes the pangaa's with the Sadiya. 8)


vicky said...

Hmm... ok... first of all - a really funny post. 2nd I am sure this person uses the inet and will read this post some day (lol). 3rd you should be on a newspaper funny column or something where many more can read your writing (yeah duh! of me as you are already on the inet and write for free). Really like your way of writing.

Sadiya Merchant said...

Nah he will neverrr find this place....his life is dedicated to the 'profession' n blog reading doesn't really figure on his agenda.....neway even if i do get in a sticky situation i can always say 'India is a free country'....I mean how can u say no to that? :)

Unruly Rebel said...

nice post...well m glad you met some who likes talking to u medamm... :D

Sadiya Merchant said...

hehe...would have given you a 10 on 10 if you had used 'actually' in that sentence.

Unruly Rebel said...

actually i did medamm... :)