Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The MODI Method

If you happen to be the geeky types then the heading might sound to you like a linear programming problem but fear not, I do not discuss such depressing stuff……at least not when I have better things to do…….so in this case the equation being Lalit Modi ka out ya not out wala pending decision, subject to constraints of Shashi Tharoor ka shaap. Here’s the entire story in a simple format for your kind perusal……so lend your eyes for a bit…

They say that hell hath no fury than a woman scorned and nothing more dangerous than a woman wronged but recent events have proved that a man scorned and wronged all at once is not half as un-dangerous (if that’s a word at all)…..Shashi Tharoor being the man in question…..team bhi gayi…..ladki bhi gayi…and naukri bhi gayi……all courtesy Mr. Lalit Modi.

Shashi Ji denied giving Lalit ji’s ‘special Miss Universe friend’ a visa to India…….so Lalit ji getting very angry and feeling pain in heart…..then Lalit Ji promising Gujarat CM Narendra Modi a Gujju IPL team but Shashi Ji coming beech main and spoiling the game by being instrumental in bidding higher and creating Kochi team……sooooo Lalit Ji’s wounds main salt rubbed anything like andddd he doing bhaanda phodna of Shashi Ji’s stake and asking question ki how baba you got so much money??? Bataao bataao…Tell tell…..Shashi Ji feeling too much embarrassed and resigning……but giving solid shaap to Modi Ji……saying Satyanaash ho tera and all……many bad words also….thattt I cannot tell here....

Now his shaap ka energy was so strong that its vibes magnetized my Income tax wala buddies to Lalit Ji’s house itself and they told him…….you uding too much bird like… and demanded disclosures for his own family stake in existing IPL teams….that led to tax raids at all IPL team offices in the country and subsequent spotlight on the BCCI accounts to be made public……now Lalit Ji got little scared…took flight and went to Dubai… as you know, he wasn’t the types to remain silent so he used Twitter as the akhaada for verbal counter attacks…..but BCCI not getting scared by his meek dhamkee’s.

So for the IPL final, Lalit Ji came Zoom se to the D. Y. Patil stadium in a noisy helicopter (hair flying mastt hero like)…..and at the end of the match gave ekdam senti menti speech…..told ki it is my sapna to make a mark in this form of cricket and dedicate my sapna to the people….quoted the Bhagvad Gita also…..yesss he’s the same guy who brought in the concept of cheer leaders……situations have made him a pious man…. kintu parantu….the BCCI on seeing his grand arrival were intimidated and thought ki kal ka meeting if he does muh kholna then everyone’s band bajing sooooo sent him a suspension order by e-mail!!!!!! Awww hamare tech savvy politicians!!!!

This was the story until today and there surely is more to come….looks like its Lalit Ji on strike now and it can only be expected from him to open the face of the bat and maaro a sixer ye ghumaikey…..waiting for this fascinating game to unravel.

One thing is for sure….. if Lalit Ji comes down, then he is not going to do so alone….at least not until he has his pockets loaded with K for Kash…….until then you can almost hear him lip syncing Hugh Grant…….Don’t write me off just yet!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Mad, Mad Money

It just struck me that as part of graduating and being a CA student, I have studied Commerce for almost 6 years now…...and courtesy that, I have been subjected to every possible genre that has anything to do with money……Wherever there is scope for a rupee to be earned or saved, it has been judiciously elaborated upon in one of our million text books….to a point where in a modest sense I believe I have covered a majority at least, if not all of what needs to be known about finances.

And yet despite putting all these years, the very field that deals with nothing but money, has failed to provide me with any kind of fortune as would be expected after having so much understanding of the object itself………On the contrary, doctors and engineers who do not know the ‘M’ of Money, are making ‘M’ for Millions and ‘M’ for Me is still earning peanuts and maaring ‘M’ for Makkhi’s.

How come? And more importantly why? If someone has a one hundred Crore rupees to invest then how does it matter if he loses a lakh because his investment does not yield ‘optimum return’? In all likelihood he wouldn’t even notice it! And the guy he is losing the money to, is probably more in need of it anyway. Plus, why should I care about your money when I have none of my own? It’s not like I get commission for it right?

That’s one thing said. Another is, despite all the stuff we have been taught, I don’t think any of it gives real answers to real questions.

For instance-
Question- I earn 10 lakhs…how much tax do I need to pay?
Sadiya- After 2 minutes of thinking…..Its actually a little complicated if you ask off hand…depends on a lot of things...source, exemptions etc. (In other words, pata nahi…need a pen, paper, calculator, 5 different forms, 10 different bank statements and however long it takes for you to run out of patience.)

Question- What kind of investment do you think I should put my money into?
Sadiya- Depends (Read- No idea. Something that sounds less fancy maybe.)

Question- Is it wise to take a home loan
Sadiya- Depends on repayment scheme and interest rates (Oh wait I don’t know. Cos they didn’t tell me in my 1000 page text book!!!! )
Question- How do I start a company?
Sadiya- Company ko maar goli….let’s talk about food and clothes.

But hey nothing to worry….at least I know all about the journal entries required in case my partner dies……….Only trouble is, I don’t have a partnership firm! Judging from my stipend, chances look bleak for at leasttt the next 60 years…..unless I sold all my books to the kabaadi wala and that’s where my first fifty grand will come from…..Yayy! Can’t wait! Then I’ll invest all that money and try to maximize my return on equity……and maybe pay thousand bucks to some future Sadiya Merchant look alike who knows how to calculate it, cos I DON’T REMEMBER THE DAMN FORMULA!!!

Honestly, I hope this is the inside story for all other professions too…. Cos then at least we wouldn’t be the only stooopid people studying worthless stuff and burning the raat ke dhaai baje ka oil…..except doctors….Let’s hope they know what they are doing!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Its Illogical!

Nokia, Blackberry, Sony Ericsson, iPhone…..sab out…..in fact if you have any, you should just get rid of them as soon as possible, cos these outdated yesteryear phones have given way to the newest, the latest and the very stylishhhh….Maxx Mobile Phones!

The spello I hope you understand is for good luck…..which by the way is totally unnecessary considering the alleged fly–by-night success of the gadget….

In the words of Mahindra Singh Dhoni “Ye mera saantva (seventh) Maxx mobile hai….isme sab kuch hai…dual SIM…..internal memory….qwerty keypad…sab kuch…..aur ye itna mehenga bhi nahi hai”….
Might I remind you, this guy is the second highest tax paying sports-person in the country! Ironic, huh?

A matter of obvious shock is that sturdy hands like M.S. Dhoni could lose 7 mobiles!!!! (matlab 14 SIM cards if my math ain’t faulty)……in just one month!!

To me, at face value it appears to be a cheap handset, with a plastic keypad and striking (read- mango and vanilla ice cream type)….yellow and white color.

So either this lateshhttt todu- fodu China ka maal has a heart of a warrior, hidden gold inside it, or is just a new strategy to popat banaao our janta log….this time though I think, thoda zyada ho gaya!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Monkeys see, Monkeys do

Spare 10 days and you get to see the polarity in national decisions. Here is the media story of 2 legends……The Chaalu and The Lalluu ….Politics….This is how it gets done around here!

Our first hero is the unadulterated desi accent wale Home Minister, Mr. P. Chidambaram…..yes the guy hailing from Nambal Chennai and doing our name roshan in the country…..last year his fate took a sharp turn after the Mumbai attacks, when he was transferred from being Finance Minister to Home Minister….thanx to this move he could no longer display his reading skills in the Parliament Budget Session but instead, had to take the bullet for every situation of unrest in any part of the country…..but poor PC could not take the pace…..you can cover up a loss in money by saying the economy is in ‘self correct mode’ but how do you cover up for 76 jawans killed in naxal attacks??? So now the hero got slightly ruffled and thought….Ab to emotional blackmail hi karna padega…in Tamil off course…..so he presented his resignation…..and Yes! The stunt worked for him…...Sonia aunty said ki nahi beta its ok…..be careful in future…..n PC thought chalo le liya bottle main…
Moral- Waakayi kaafi smooth hai!

Next up is the ex- Minister of State for External Affairs, veteran Shashi Tharoor, with lofty rankings of being the United Nations Secretary General cum author cum humanitarian cum what not..…he had the panache, he had the spunk and he had the personality, but unfortunately he overdid it…….the thing is, his ideas were too modern and humor too complicated to be understood, much less accepted by our single minded democracy….bottom line they just couldn’t handle the change…..to campaign on websites and interact on twitter was cynical……then winning the election through it was audacious, his humor crass, and statements a matter of national turbulence…..thus began a lasting relation of unending controversy with him in the Zoom Baraabar mode…..starting from extravagant stays at 5 star hotels to remarks about Indo-Pak in Saudi Arabia to asking for no holiday on Gandhi Jayanti to calling the mango people as ‘Cattle Class’……its was rolling attention all the way…
Moral- Zubaan pe lagaam!

But how long could his actions in the name of dynamism be forgiven?.....So finally arrived the moment that nailed the coffin……his ‘gift’ to lady louuvee….Sunanda Pushkar…worth of 70 crore equity in the IPL Kochi team grabbed sunshine….from shoddy personal remarks to accusations of misuse of public money, it was all showered on him…leaving the Palakkad ka Mallu neta cutting a very sorry figure and handing in his resignation to ease the misery…..Sonia aunty obviously overly anxious due to his antics thought it appropriate to dispose him off at the earliest! Tata bubbiee!
Moral- Shock laga laga shock lagaaaaaa!

If the story doesn’t say it all, I would do the adding up……70 crore Rupees means more to our country than losing 76 people’s lives!!
You see it’s not the math…. it’s just how well you ‘sweet talk’, ‘suck up’ and ‘stay shut’ that counts! Needs some learning!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Lazy stubble

Expressly for guys
Ever wondered why Rocket Singh….Salesman of the year didn’t click….despite the handsome Ranbir Kapoor in the lead? A lot of critics said it was because of a faulty script and excess bhaashan….not totally untrue…but my personal view was that the movie was pretty ok….inspiring too….in parts….so why didn’t it work?
Beause of Mr. Ranbir ka Punjabi munda look….this is the thing….and no offence….but however good looking you are..…you CANNOT and WILL NOT be able to carry off a beard and moustache…in this case turban too….can’t see your cheeks…..or your chin….. or your head…..the only thing visible is your eyes….which in the midst of all the black just might go missing too..…SO WHAT IS THE AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO SEE FOR 3 HOURS???? YOUR NOSE?
And to top it, he is a salesman……huuuugely unattractive profession… Ever heard a girl say ‘I want to marry a salesman’ ?....Nahi na?….Bas it’s that obvious!

First of all, why do guys go in for this stubble or beard wala look at all, is something I fail to understand…..it looks so pokey pokey….so each time you touch your face…it hurts….and not to forget each time you wash your face, the water won’t even dry off.....and you can’t even wrap it up in a towel…..the more I think of it, the more it amuses me!.....and its heartbreaking to see the nicest looking people go in for this craziness….Shahid Kapoor (for his new movie….ab dekhna it will be a sure shot flop)…..Daniel Vettori (dil tod ditta mera…..I waited for ages to see him come back from the NZ tour…doing an entire ulta countdown and sabr ka phal?....Zilch!)…..Hritik (for the Pied Piper Reliance ad…couldn’t even stand to see his face…Yuck!)…..Aamir Khan (remember Mangal Pandey?...was a flop too….same reason- believe me!)

In my opinion, the ratio of good looking girls to good looking guys is pretty high…and I’m not saying this as a feminist comment….its factual reality…If you don’t think so then you are probably in denial…Well anyway, so why would the remainder good looking guys ruin their chances and give such cheap shocks???.....And who invented this concept of stubble is cool????......I am pretty certain that most girls of average intelligence and common sense would disagree with that…..It’s NOT macho and it’s NOT mature (maturity comes from head not facial hair, remember?)……just awful…..and if any girl says it otherwise, then either she is lying or is too wise and intelligent…..in which case you won’t get her anyway……Bottom line- Meri maano and keep it basic…Trust me on this!

Feel so fortunate to be a girl! Tooruroo!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Making sense of it all!

In my opinion everyone has a bad day sometimes…..when everything goes wrong and you just want to sulk….be sad….say sad stuff and make others sad too…yes self pity is what I’m talking about…A lot of people would think that’s vain and annoying….I would too, if someone else was doing it…but then I don’t always need to write about good and happy stuff na?....My rules sure has perks for me!

Warning- Every 21 year old girl is entitled to write one in 33 posts that is filled with complete nonsense….if I have exceeded the limit then I’m sorry to put you through the trouble…..All the same, this post is the one that deserves below average ratings (if I’m saying it myself then must be pretty bad)…..so what I mean is, reading it won’t make you smarter, lighter or even if I may say so….amused…Phir mat kehna ki humne bataaya nahi.

Begins the thought process- Why do we get sad? Everyone wants to be happy…and all the time if they can help it…..so why do we put ourselves in situations that give negative outcomes?...and its not like something sudden…you know the dukhi waves to be coming all the while and yet you stand there and let it upset you. Why Why Why??

People’s theory about life actually seems quite simple….do what makes you happy, be good, hang around the people who make you laugh, thank God…Blah blah....then why does this get so complicated all of a sudden? Don’t know about others but somehow any problem at my end is more often than not, self created….. and when all goes gadbad, then makes me wonder…Yaar, ye kaise ho gaya? What was I thinkinggg!

What makes it ever so sad is that instead of blaming myself, I just go to being over the top unreasonable…. its everyone’s but my own fault…The whole world is bad and mean…..Everyone is busy….No one loves me, No one cares for me and I’m just pathetic….knowing fully well ki it’s not even one percent true! Sabbb filmy drama hai! Yetttt I do it everyyyy single time.

Well anyway from today on, I have decided to try as hard as possible to always be khush khush and here’s how I figured I’d do it (MY P.O.A)-

Eat ice cream- Can’t ever understand the taste of ice cream but the thanda sensation feels good….makes my head go a little thanda too…and then the mind comes to terms….finally admits ki…. No ya… actually I think main hi galat thi.

Get a haircut- Not just any haircut….only the one at Bounce….they make you look like a diva when you step out….so at the end you feel….Oh I’m so pritteeee….confidence shoots up by a one hundred and ten percent….Hell! Even if I have issues…who cares…At least I look good!....Unfortunately can’t do that now cos  my hair has only recently been chopped off…(no won’t sulk on this one now…bohot ho gaya na?)

Smile in front of the mirror- and I don’t mean a sad smile like you are at a funeral…the happy wala…and I smile widdee…and pretend like there is a dimple…..its actually there if you look long enough….just not very prominently visible to other people’s eyes. Huh!! Whatever makes you happy!!!

Talk to my friends or my brother- The people who heal everything for me…my friends because they can crack some really sad jokes (ok ok love you)….and my brother cos he is just so damn cool and can cheer me up anytime…his latest SMS says…mitti paao ji….okies bhaijaan point noted!

Talk to my parents- Aise I don’t get so senti and in normal circumstances take this point a bit for granted but for nowwww……I miss you!!!! And the food!! And the excess bhaav like I’m a princess!! And daddy’s jokes (always the bestestttt!) And irritating him to solve study related queries!!…And all the new clothes!! Everything!!!!!!!

Yesss! All of that! Am spoilt to the last drop and haven’t yet learnt to deal with a good many things….and saying all this makes me feel pretty darn good!

I would say I’m sorry to take your time, but then maine to pehle hi kaha tha!
Note- If you happen to know me in person, then be an angel, pretend to forget all this and don’t mention it. Thanx! :)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Doley Sholey

We are in an age where ‘huge’ is called ‘fat’, ‘fat’ is referred to as ‘healthy’ or ‘chubby’ and ‘thin’ or ‘famished’ are the only acceptable terms…...more often than not, you tell someone…. ‘God! You’ve lost so much weight…Are you unwell?’…..thatttt…..is a compliment…..
and ‘Hey you seem quite rosy and healthy’….thatttt is rude…..they might even call under their breath…. ‘Hai beda gark ho tera!

A situation of us becoming obsessively compulsive about our weight…..what is being professed is a drive to be ‘Size Zero’.…phoonk maaro to gaayab (like Kareena… not Tushaar)…...and start to develop a phobia of even stepping on the weighing machine!

Off course there is the Six or Eight Pack Abs for guys…Soon your body will start to appear like the keys of a handset with 12 packs….I don’t get it….what’s the idea behind it and why is this apparent dissection considered so cool?

And its not even something that takes a day…months and months of meticulous training and gymming, doing a hundred push ups to strict diets to tapkaaoing baalti’s of paseena to basic torture….to get the perfect physique….surely sane people can’t enjoy stuff like this!….Besides, 2 bags of Lays down, and you start to develop a Family Pack….So what’s the point? And more importantly is it even worth the trouble?

With all this fitness craze, the people on the ‘healthier’ end of the spectrum seem to be going cynical…..with weird and vague ideas and diet plans…..the rigorous (read ridiculous) GE plan that helps u lose 10 kilos in just one week…..flushes the toxins out of your body is what they say…...my friend tried it and gained a kilo instead…hhhheartbreak!!

So the question is what are we heading for? Aren’t we taking our looks wayyy too seriously as opposed to the substance inside of us? And so what is someone is fat? Some people were just built that way! Takes all kinds to make the world. Might as well live with it!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sania ka Swayamvar

If Rakhi Sawant ka drama is too much to handle then you might want to pass on this one….raging popularity….light of the media’s life….Sania Mirza!
She has actually and officially become my role model now….After all you need to do something really really right or really really wrong to grab front page headlines for over a week!.....Course you could opt being like Mayawati…but then there’s the horrid haircut…*shudder*….yesss so Sania it is….the girl breaking all boundaries in the name of louuve! In fact nobody even cares about her tennis anymore…..mmm our twinkle twinkle star!

Now it really is a matter of utter dismay that the country with the second largest population in the world hasn’t been able to produce one stud to suit the lady’s taste and she therefore had to settle for Mr. Malik……who has a very questionable past to say the least…..Can’t blame him though….what’s a so-so-ish chashmish girl versus this jackpot, who by the way comes with an additional guarantee of bringing to life his almost dead career? A case of buy one get one freeee!

And its not just Shoaib Malik…there is a whole list of people who have been rescued by this dayavaan magic kudi….

Firstly hamare Bollywood movie directors…..they didn’t even need to find an English movie to be ‘inspired’ from…the true to life story originated from our own desh ki mitti….and they say we are copycats!

Then there is Sonam Kapoor who gets to play Sania Mirza in the movie.....After touching base with masterpieces like Saawariya and Delhi-6 this seems much needed to save her from fading away!

Third party to be eternally grateful are the Shivsena folks…..post My Name is Khan we had almostttt nearly forgotten them…and now thanx to her, they have a chance to display that they actually exist!

Fourthly there is Aaj tak….how long could they drag Mayawati ka haar or Women’s Reservation Bill?…..Besides, these topics are hugely lacking the juicy gossip quotient that earn TRP's!

And last on the list is….Ramesh Gupta….Till a week ago we didn’t even know his name…but now things are different….representing Shoaib Malik as his legal attorney, this man has risen to overnight fame.

Ek kanya and so much hungama and that’s even before the wedding itself!
WOW! THIS IS WHAT I CALL GIRL POWER!!!….Maybe I should also start buying Bournvita so I can be just like her! :)