Tuesday, October 27, 2009

10 most bakwaasest soap operas!- PART 1

The remote control is definitely the most coveted and fought over commodity in our houses today because it holds the key to doing fokat main timpeass.
If it wasn’t for TV, how would we ever know that the world is full of scheming saasumaas and adarneeya God fearing bahus always willing to give their agnee pareeksha?? …..and the moral always being…..sachaai ki jeet hoti hai betaaa. Bringing to you the top mosttttt pakao soap operas that I have witnessed in recent times

First up, Balika Vadhu- if your Hindi is not so shudh then I could translate it for you- Balika I think would mean a girl and Vadhu would mean bride. Clear hai? I hope so cos after the title what follows is impossible to understand, let alone translate. But fear not my faithful audience! I bring to u every tit bit inkling of what made the teeniest sense to me.

Here’s the plot- A Rajasthani household (I think), where hamari pyari Anandi (matlab the heroine) gets married at the kacchi umar of about 12 yrs (again I think) and her saasra (matlab sasural) has the dreaded daadisa (matlab her pati parmeshwar ki daadi) who is an egoistic menacing lady, ordering everyone around……..anything she sez is patthar ki lakeer and needs to be obeyed without a whimper. And if her atyaachaar and the baal vivaah ka issue itself is not enough to sahofy, then there is still some more depressing stuff addressed here like some sugna jeeji ka gauna (shaadi)….and consequent re- gauna and what not……..even the background music is sooooo killer ki you almost feel like punching the screen…….the most amusing thing however is that this serial is reported to have the highest TRP for sometime…..that was before hamari bechari Rakhi ka Swayawar came around (more about miss sawant later).
My Take- I can’t stand the show and if you have seen it and think otherwise, then I really think your maasa and baapusa need to get you some mental help!
Pathetic Rating- 10/10- Ghani khamba (they keep saying it at the end of every meeting…God knows what it means)

2- Kyuki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi- This show I think is responsible for starting the trend of what we now call mind- corroding K serials.
The plot- Considering that it went on for over 3 to 4 generations of the Veerani khaandaan, I don’t even know where or how to start. A family drama that makes no sense whatsoever……people die of a car crash (their body is never found….but their wallet always is…without any money off course)…….disappear for a good 2 months (that’s when they miraculously appear in other serials and when those don’t work), they then come back, claiming to have lost their yaaddash! Oh and the sar pe patti is absolutely mandatory.
And how can we forget Tulsi aunty…….the abhinetri who has redefined Indian soaps in so many ways……she is the perfect maa, behen, bahu, beti, daadi, par daadi, par daadi ki daadi, devi, whatever, whatever (if I have missed any other significant relation then please menu maaf kari)…….and then there’s Baa (who is just about 300 to 400 yrs old)…..and with every progressing generation, her baalo ka wig gets more n more whiter and brighter…….yayyyy Rin…safedi ki chamkaan….maybe Rin was one of the praayogak of this serial
My Take- Shooooo Shweet!
Pathetic Rating- Aasmaan se saare tare tod loo tab bhi kam padenge. But to humor you- 20/10

3- Maata ki Chowki- The name might suggest to you that it’s a dhaarmik serial, which is what I thought but apparently that’s not correct…and although I’ve never seen it…I can tell cos of the trailers saying….agley episode main dekhiye…..blah blahh.
The plot I assume – Vaishnavi….the heroine whose voice I can only term as ‘awful’ prays to devi maa all the time….and then in times of sankat……sometimes devi maa appears and gives aashirvaad and still better… at other times Vaishnavi herself becomes devi maa…..ok what is this yaar……nooo sense at all….who watches this stuff and why in the world do they even bother making it?
My Take- Wowwiee kya concept, kya imagination hai! Bhoolkar bhi mat dekhna!
Pathetic Rating- 9/10

4- Dill Mill Gayye- No, I haven’t made any spelling mistakes…the title itself is spelt like that….the numerologist must have said its shubh for them, but Alas! The tantar mantar’s have failed to rescue their doobti nayya….the leading lady itself has been replaced 3 times in the span of a little over a year….this comes as the hindi version of Scrubs plus ER plus Grey’s Anatomy all smashed into one….and well its pitiable to say the least…moves at a snail’s pace…the same dialogues over and over again……..the girl cries and d guy manao’s her…….repeat, repeat, repeat…..that’s about all the story it has.
My Take- Ghanta hai Boss!
Pathetic Rating- 9/10

5- Kahi to Hoga- Ok kahi to hoga but kidhar hoga and kab milega bhaai? Hmm some questions have no answers. Notice, this is the second K serial on the list. Congrats to Miss Ekta! Ye sammaan pane ke liye she must have done soooo much mehnat….deserves all the credit!
The Plot- kyuki saas ka stuff…..just copy and paste
But this time no tulsi aunty…instead there is miss kashish……aka makeup ki dukaan plus tears ki factory…..
My Take- Rehne do
Pathetic Rating- 9/10

The Next 5 bakwaasest to follow….. magarrrr break ke baad! In the meantime…answer this easy question……
Pinky ki shaadi kisse hoti hai….aapke options hai
a) bubbloo
b) tuploo
c) dubloo

Type kijiye pinky ki shaadi space aapka jawab aur jald se jald bhej dijiye 8888 par. Lines kuch hi samay tak khuli hai. Sahi jawaab dene waalo ko milega serial main pinky ki behen ya bhaai ka role!!!
Conditions apply*

Friday, October 16, 2009

Inexperience Shows!!!

Come October and the dimaag ki batti sez its time to go gift shopping for my little bro. (His birthday).
Now since I’m not so used to this shopping for guys thingy, I didn’t really know how and where to start. I tried to figure what he would like to have or rather what was most convenient for me to get him and didn’t create any exchange wala pangaa in future.

So to begin with, I thought I must first have a plan…..i.e….kya buy karooo……and among the various options were……

Perfume...Problem! I happen to know just one good guy wala brand that I chipkaao everyone with but that was given to him quite recently…..so what will he do with the same thing over and over?……. Getting another brand would mean a lot of sniffing at the shop…..which would then culminate into a headache and the premise of inconvenience would be totally smashed………soooo perfume chalked out

Then I thought- Shades……they look cool and aren’t super expensive……but then again… How do I know it will suit him? Suppose it doesn’t?? Sabb waste! Too risky- Next!

Third, and the easiest option- A shirt. I know the size, I know the color and he loves clothes too……Super!… All set and the only thing needed now was to go to a nice shop, find a shirt that fitted the mental picture in my head, bring it to the counter, pay for it n yalla khalaas.....Oh n gift wrapped too…almost forgot that….Easy!
That’s what I thought. But nope!! Huuuuge mistake. Here’s why-

First things first, I had to pick the venue and City Centre it was. Why?- Dunno. Everyone goes there…and if so many people go then surely there must be some good stuff in it right?
Enter Lifestyle. Great shop n I’ve been there tons of times (just not for the same reason)…….so no trouble finding my way….. down to business without wasting any time….the ‘Men’s section’….that’s where I headed and what came across was a really sad picture…sooo many cothes all stacked up and hundreds of people pulling them out of everywhere……..and that’s when it struck me….ohhh diwali season hai!! (Damn! Why didn’t I think of it before)…..almost thought I’d come in some other day but then….birthday to postpone nahi ho sakta na plus ive come itniiii door so might as well get the task done…..and so started the great hunting expedition…..I took a peak at everything that was white ( the color I wanted) and since there weren’t too many I even compromised for almost white…i.e…..beige, cream, off white etc….but nope…nothing…….so I thought ok change in plan….different color…black……searched again……same result…nothing.

Now I must tell you this, I found it highly strange……guy clothes have so little variation. Either plain or checked or striped…..and even the colors are so few....given this, how do they stand out on the merit of their clothes alone? It’s so much easier for girls. Loadssss of options…..from a fiery red dress to a flowy skirt to something short….getting someone’s attention is a piece of cake!...Guess its true when they say its difficult to live in a man’s world.

And yeah returning to current track, after a good half hour of searching, a sales girl came in to help and enquired if I was looking for formal or semi- formal shirts (!!! They come in 2 types? Kisi ne mujhe pehle kyu nahi bataaya? No wonder they all looked so drab). So I went on to the semi formal section in great spirits but it was more or less the same thing again- plain, stripes, checks…the only difference here was that the sleeves were rolled or had buttons on the sides or funky collars…..the colors were a lot better too……but nothing appealed….maybe all the good stuff was picked up by the people who came in before me (Diwali ko bhi abhi aana tha!)

So dropped the pursuit of a shirt…….next time maybe……change of strategy……searched for wallets instead…..this time I was luckier…….there was a huuuge showcase like thing full of wallets in various fabrics or texture or whatever its called and after a careful analysis when I finally found the right one and just when I was starting to feel a little happy inside…………my happiness bubble broke…..because when I turned around, a little way off there was another huge showcase full of them n usse thodi door yet another……..all with different brands each……..???....... Why can’t they put it all in the same place? How will people know it’s all over the floor? Made me feel pretty dumb…….like Mr. Bean or something……anyway just picked the wallet I selected and ignored all the other shelves…………..
Mental note- Never go to Lifestyle again!

Hamare Senior Citizen Netaji's

An ode to our politicians!

A question that bothers me- Why are they all so old? Maybe because the younger folks are into building their respective careers and samaaj seva finds its positioning on their agenda only after hitting retirement.

Ok so age is just a figure, but that leads on to the next question- Why is their ability of extempore speech so poor?

Just a couple of days ago I happened to catch Manmohan Singh’s speech on TV and this is what I made of it- incoherent and painfully slow! And to put it in a still better way I didn’t understand a single word of what he said. Even more ironic is the fact that the person who is the face of a good 2 billion people cannot even deliver a speech by looking into a camera….let alone facing the people. And it’s the same on all occasions….a pre written speech that’s read cover to cover irrespective of the topic in question n in case of a press conference… when asked questions, the answers are sooo slow….each word tastefully savored… to the extent that by the time 2 words have left his mouth, u’ve almost nearly forgotten the question itself!

And I do not say that he is a bad politician…in fact he is more educated than most others…the leading guy behind the 1991 Economic Reforms and former Finance Minister too. All that is very well but does that make him good enough to represent our country? When he cannot look in our face and talk to us, how is he going to hold talks and path breaking negotiations with President’s from other countries? Almost all foreign leaders have just one thing to say about him- he is a very good and honest man- but what good is that??? (They probably like him bcos he’s too timid and will agree to everything they say) Isn’t sharp, dynamic n charismatic a few other qualities needed to make the cut?

Yet another vibrant flower in our select bouquet is Madam Pratibha Patil- the President of our country….n I don’t blame you for in case u didn’t know that….. Because in all her tenure, she doesn’t have a single outstanding achievement to her credit. Most people at the time of her nomination, had predicted her to come in as a puppet and, well, all that can be said is…she has played her part to perfection… except for seeing her at the swearing ceremonies of Ministers…..sporting fluorescent orange and green sarees or saluting our National flag, there isn’t a single other thing that stands out about her… for all the people who say a woman at the top can be no good… she has taken the pain to actually go all out and prove them right.

Sonia Gandhi!- Yess I like her. At least she has some visibility and is fairly agile. She probably even is the woman who has the reins of the Prime Minister and President in her hands….or so it appears… and of all the oldie political crowd, she seems like the only person with an ounce of possessing at least a few of the requisite leader-like traits.

On the BJP Opposition Dias- I don’t even know who is the one leader of their team- they just seem to come in white dhotis and fight all the time for who will be the leader when in actual fact they haven’t even won the election!
But even when they did have power in their hands with Atal Bihari Vajpayee as their candidate… there were certainly no breakthroughs that I can recollect…only communal discord is what comes to mind… and when there were clips of George Bush taking his dog n going for a jog, our Indian media was covering Atal Bihari Ji limping into a session of the Parliament and at a pace where you could span out the camera to air a commercial n get back just in time to have seen him cover a good 10 spaces and enter the building. Classy, I say!

And then there’s the adorable Lalu Prasad Yadav who gets everyone’s attention and whatever be his background, ..…he did manage to bring a profit to the Railways….for a Government holding in India…… that sure is an incredible feat.

Last on the list is Rahul Gandhi- the media’s favorite. Although he isn’t on the old folks ka list, a guy over 40 yrs doesn’t qualify for youth either….but unlike others at least he is taking the trouble to go to poor people’s localities and do some good…..even if it is just a publicity stunt. Most people reckon him to be the future face of India. How much further is this future nobody wishes to say in concrete terms, but from the current scenario and past track record, doesn’t look like its going to be a good 10-20 years from now.

The older, the wiser I suppose!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Himesh Ji

This one is dedicated exclusively to Himesh Reshamiya. Why? Because this guy has got guts man!!! After consistent flops and sooo much be-izzati from the media, he’s still back…unruffled, unfathomed, unperturbed…(aur words bhi nahi aa rahe)…all that, and this time too, with a bang!
Caught the promos of his latest flick on tv- ‘RADIO’- that’s the name of the movie. Who would have thought of a title as creative as that?- One of a kind, never been used before and its so fresh and unique, that you can’t believe at all ki it’s a movie ka title! At least the first time you hear it. I personally thought that’s his new music album- That was until I read of it in the newspapers.

And if fine print is to be believed then it costs just 6 crore Rupees!! Taking you back in recent history, Aap ka Suroor made headlines for sweeping floors with a budget of 90 crores!-(it didn’t really sweep the floors, but that’s pretty close to what it did do). And with the naya RADIO, the music release itself has covered the cost- that’s even before the movie hat hit the screens- bole to aage profit hi profit!! Ye hui na baat! Way to go!
And I did listen to the songs- My opinion- bakwaas hai ji!- except the jaanemann wala number…which is pretty decent…..but how can you make a fortune on just one song? Dunno. Anyway so that’s the janta ka call. And at least this one doesn’t have a song called tandoori nights!!(Tandoori nights???? Hello? What is that supposed to mean??)

Talking about the man himself, he has evolved multifold over the last 3 to 4 years…..starting from a cheekoo (chubby) guy with a beard and moustache and the ever so famous cap……..I would have never thought he would make for a Bollywood movie ka hero material. Yeah Tamil or Telugu movies would have been a sure shot success….. But all that said, he did manage to emerge as a player if not a winner and NOW, may I say, he looks almost, almost nearly presentable! With a new hairstyle, no daadi n moochey, a few kilos shed (yoga maybe)……..apparently chakachaun and make up have done a lot to this man…….In his own words he says…I have an intense personality…..oooooo…..uhm..no comments!

Also a lot of actresses ka filmy career has taken off just courtesy this cap wala guy…Deepika Padukone to Hansika Motwani (ok maybe not taken off but at least now we know her name from outside of the tina girl of infamous soap operas) and….to add to the lot……hope the same goes for shenaz (dunno the surname) as well- (I do think she has a cute smile).
I wonder why established actresses don’t want to work with him….maybe they find it to risky for their career….or maybe playing along as his sweetheart raises serious questions about their taste. Even worse- What if they get linked up with him? That surely can’t be good!

And still more to come, there are 3 Himesh movie releases after RADIO that are lined up for the ever so eager Indian audience. Also, they are from producers and directors totally unheard of, but….. YES! they are coming alrite…..pakki khabar hai… It’s surprising that people are willing to invest so much on him. I guess they see in him a mahaan kalaakaar whose parakhna is yet to be done by critics which comes to a dismal majority of the population. Almost feels like saying- Sorry dude! Time kharaab hai!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Cheeni Chopsticks

You know what chopsticks are right? Those 2 really thin and long wooden sticks that Chinese people use to eat their food with.
Well I don’t know how to eat with them and unfortunately neither do any of my friends so the best I’ve seen of them being used is obviously Chinese people eating at restaurants. And don’t get me wrong here- Its not like I stare at people when they eat their food or anything- I just sort of…by the way....noticed….know what I mean right?

So here’s the thing. How do they manage to eat all their food by putting it on two sticks??? And you are not even allowed to use the other hand. (Reminds me of tying the Saree ka pleats…which again I do not know how- speedily goes- up down, up down, up down and Voila!!! Done!)…. Ok coming back……Assuming they eat only Chinese food that must consist of …say, noodles and fried rice……noodles at least they can put it round and round the sticks and then put it in their mouth……but then what about rice?....How do they eat that? How does it stay on those sticks??? And even if it does stay it couldn’t be possible to get more than 5 to 6 grains of rice at one time…so wouldn’t it take really really long for them to finish their meal??? My opinion is that’s almost inflicting trouble upon self by eating like this. Most people in such situations might quit wholesome eating itself…….just because its so tiresome…..that’s probably why all Chinese people are of such a small build in the first place…..all alike….short, thin n really pokey straight hair….

But all that said, it does look pretty fashionable to eat with them and if I were to make a list of 10 things to do before I die (like I once saw in a movie), then I would totally put this down on my list…at number 9 maybe……and until then I’ll put the pair of them that I already have to some productive use…..like maybe tying my hair…..hee what can I say….looks cool!