Thursday, October 27, 2011

I refuse to die!

She had been my best friend forever. I’m not sure she thought the same way about me. Sometimes I even wonder if she took anything I said seriously. The first time we met was at our school assembly as little kids standing in crooked lines, fighting the cold and staging a forced attention in what didn't concern us. Kids don’t care. I wish grownups knew that.

The sun gave a lukewarm smile and the wind made our brittle scraped knees rickety, biting lightly every few moments in sudden gusts. It got harder to concentrate and that’s when a roving eye brought me to face her. That was the day I found my ‘smile friend’. It’s all we did for the next few days- smiled at each other. Besides spreading the warmth there was also the part about us having a lot in common. Never popular, never sought after, what you may call- just average.

There’s a time when you don’t know anything about yourself. If there is a ‘you’ and how it’s not the same as others, doesn't matter. What you like, what you don’t. What you want to become. That’s not to think.
To think is, if you could get to plait your hair by rolling it round and round about your fingers. To think is, why it opens up and doesn't stay. Now that’s what you call a real heartbreak.

I don’t know anything about parents. I don’t know if I had any. Nobody tells me now and back from when I was born, I don’t remember a thing. I hung out a lot at her place though. Her parents really doted over her. It’s funny actually. Even when her pony wasn’t really straight they’d still call her beautiful. I’d tell her that, but she never listened to me.

I was always telling things. I still am. Sometimes she listens. But that’s only when no one’s around. There are always too many people I’m competing with to get her attention. I’m not sure how over the last few years she suddenly got popular and I stayed behind. Sometimes that makes me sad. Mad even. And then when she asks me stuff, I lighten up. I feel important. I don’t mean to brag but my ideas are always better than her other friends’.

Yesterday she seemed upset. I thought I must make her happy and told her my new theory. The smile. Again. She wouldn’t believe me. Again.

It’s rather simple really. Well, I believe in it entirely. Here, let me help you with it.
Most people never really do what they want to, until they turn seventy. Cos then they can afford to have diabetes or get fat. The pretty people aren’t going to look at them then, anyway.
Better still, slog up and then hope to have a happy retirement. They always dream about reading newspapers in rocking chairs. I think I’m pretty intelligent for my age. I read a lot.
But I also think I’m immortal. She thinks that’s dumb. She says all humans must die. Uh oh, I beg to differ, sir!

It’s all about dying. It’s all about the end. That’s the all important thing. If you’ve devised a way to fulfilment then, you’d just as well start running now.
Always worried about not making it to some awkward old age.
Lucky for me, I’m never going to have an end.
Unlike her, I don’t worry about being swept over by a Tsunami. My heart doesn't start racing when I hear thunder reverberate. I don’t flinch when a car stops short. I am not afraid.
Because I refuse to die.
And she doesn't listen. Again.

I tell her. I tell her. I whisper to her. I wish she would hear. She thinks I’m crazy.
But one day when everyone’s gone and abandoned her forever, I will be there.
She had been my best friend forever.
Although her shadow is all I am, yet again, like old times I will tell her,
I refuse to let you go.
I refuse to die!


Daniyal Arain said...

I refuse to believe you.

Jyoti Sharma said...

I refuse to die too..nice one..:)

Nadeem said...


Pythoroshan said...

wow..this is a whole new side to u..atleast among the blogspots of ur Id read. really loved the philosophical point of view.

Cloud Nine said...

Sorry..i don't understand this Sadiya..You are talking about a friend who ignores you? Or philosophically does that imply something else? Much different from your other posts, girl!

Sadiya Merchant said...

@ daanuuu- i refuse to giv u anymore sandwiches *pouting*

@ jyoti- thnx so much....nice to c u again :)

@ thursday half dayy- merci :)

@ pythoroshan- philosophy n me in d same sentenc! Omigodd! mera to jeevan hi safal ho gayaa samjho!! :o

@ nivii- hehe no its fiction n rewind to d last para may help u :)

Maham said...

I know the feeling when u see the people close to u getting popular and u bieng there,no its not jealousy,its something lesser to jealousy-been there.
But everyone dies ,its just that we think less about it when younger and more when older.

subtlescribbler said...

oh yes miss sadiya this is philosophical and so very beautifully expressed! I loved it to the core...this is sure gonna stay in my mind for a long time to come :)
Isko to special archives list me u put...i wud wanna read this every month. and we want more such post puhleezzzz :D


Daniyal Arain said...

Yeah - Sadiya The Ultimate Philosopher - Please Give Some of The Philosophic Talent that you have :P And I will teach you how to eat Water Melons and How to make Good Sandwiches.

sneha christall said...

woa this one's loaded wid philosophy. I LUV IT so it truue??

Binu Thomas said...

I refuse to believe that you are not improving with every post you write!!

PS: I like your concept of 'smile friends'.. Very True!!

Joe said...

Awesome post :)
Loved the philosophy ...
cheers ;)

"Just when the sun went down I lost her: my best friend ... Then I realized I was the one who is lost... :)"

ES said...

Are you talking to yourself? If so, you're one self obsessed person - But don't worry, that's normal. Or maybe even a virtue!

Ups and downs are very normal in life. Its very difficult to find someone (including yourself) who would accept a person irrespective of the season in which they became aware of them. There is beauty in every phase, and hence there is actually no need to cling to just one of them.

Sadiya Merchant said...

@ maham- muhahahaaa gotcha dis tym!!! :)
divert to last para.

@ sarahh- ok i musttt tel u dis!
of all d reactions i think urs by far is ze mostt ehh shockinnngg!
pata nai wat bt socha tum kuch aur kahogi.
n thnx so much! dil garden garden ho gaya :)

@ daanuu- nah sandwich makin talent i alredy possess *smug*

@ sneha- philosophy. ahem.
my mind is saying to me- *???!!!fsmnsgf sadiya u can write philosophy??? dwfwef!! dafsfg!!*
to u it sez- wel thnk u :)

@ binuuu- hehe thnxx! u kno i had a smile teacher in school! things wer grt until we wer smilin. den she became my clas teacher n all hell broke loose. cruella de vil in flesh n blood, i tel u.
aaj im nt a doc thnx to her. NEVER trust smile frns. hmph!

@ joe- *gulp*
confession- any philosophy on d post was purely unintentional. plain thots dat got a lil exaggerated. glad u liked it :)

@ ES- nooo its fiction.
now im a lil embarassed actually cos dats 2 times in a row.
altho if u mus kno, i think exctly like dat so self obsessed may nt b a lot off d mark :o
as fr d post, its in frst person n if u put sum added emphasis on d last para d whole thing wud b a piece of cake.
n ya my bro who by all stds is a big dumbo cud get it, so deres really no way u wudn :)

Live2cherish said...

such a different take on things from your pen :)

Dilshad said...

Nice post Sadiya :)

Anita Jeyan Sandeep said...

Wow a different one compared to your other posts! Good one that.

Suruchi said...

beautiful post-while i was reading this in the beginning i was almost missing your mad lingo-aadhe hindi n english and then all the concoctions u come up with...but the expressions sucked me in-kept me wondering what kinda relationship this would be-awesome!:-)

Anonymous said...

superb philosophy.Its deep. I must say im impressed completely..
"I refuse to die"...

Bikramjit Singh Mann said...

Oh teri .. badi phylosophical baat keh di aapne..

wow YES I refuse to die toooo :) and i hope what the shadow says comes true tooo for the one ... All the best


anuj said...

what an expression.. with a combination of such a nice pic... its a metamorphical presentation which make us feel go deep into thoughts it about friends.. is it about it about self dreams... whatever its about... i feel words can convey a lot in different manners... no doubt good literature....

Anonymous said...

ha.. I refuse to *well.. what?, ohh what the hell, confused, totally, you can't escape me* ____ :)
Really nice post.. enjoyed your phil *wait for it* ospohy, philosophy!!

Blahblaholic ♥ © said...

Beautiful. I never thought it'd be fiction,till I read your replies. You make it sound so deep like you've lived through all this, lived to tell the tale.

MangoMan said...

I smiled, felt bad and thought of a lot of uneasy things while reading. Weird. If you can achieve an emotional roller coaster which has nothing to do with the post, take it from me it's powerful writing.

Fotokarusellen said...

Very different and very beautiful. A wonderful post.

suvaiba said...


you know i have heard your name in so many blogs by so many bloggers and after around 2 months here i am on ya blog and i am so happy i found your blog
its like you have an awesome title firstly
and then that little line about the Google thing which adds on the charm
and the your this post - just the title made me inspirational
its beautiful
well i am at a phase/stage where i no longer believe in BFF or love or boyfrnds or another silly thing but your story is supposed to go down in some short story books meant for students :)
its beautiful
and the last two lines speak more than just any random 2 sentences
the italics give them the valor to stand right out ..!
following you..!

Muhammad Israr said...

i thought i had commented here already :( kher... now you refuse to write or what? loooooooooooooooong looooooooooooong time and no see? are you alright? hope you having a nice time :)

Live2cherish said...

Tring, tring, sadiyaji!!!
Uttho, jagao, we need you, quite a time, you have updated your space.
I wanna read, come back soon.

Zeba said...

Ah. I had something to say. Then I read Daniyal's comment and I lost my train of thoughts. Sigh. Love the header. It's beautiful. :-) And the post. I liked.

Nitin Jain said...

woha..hello hi..nice post ! ok bye :)

SAAD JAMAL said...

awesome post!! you are a deep person.

Pritam Barhate said...

Nice Post!

Here is some borrowed philosophy:

All men must die. But before that they must live!

Death gives meaning to life. If we were to be immortal, what is the importance of life? That's why every moment of life is to be lived fully and to be cherished!

From A Song of Ice and Fire ( Not exact words but something like it. Read it if you get a chance. You will love it.

And there is song by a little known Indian Band, with the same words. God I refuse to die. ( May be you will love this one too.