Saturday, July 17, 2010

Give me some sunshine!

Behold! This post won me a mug!!!

A new day, a new contest..... New story blaring my agreement for it? Nah not really!

There is a new Pringoo contest alright, titled “Irresponsible Indian Media? ”....Frankly I thought the topic was a tad boring so decided to ignore it....and I was doing a great job....but then the keeda in me read the other entries....All very well, but they seemed to well an emotion in me.....and I wanted to say it. Now what better place than here, and lagey haath I can participate too!


So here goes-


As I read the content of the contest announcement, what I also noticed was, although there was the question tag at the end of the topic posed, a large part of the object seemed like it wanted to feed us into criticizing the media itself....stuff like “Share with us instances or stories where you think Indian Media have misused their freedom “. It’s a random observation and I may be wrong...so don’t come barging at me for it. Yes I have now washed my hands with Dettol saabun and am completely surakshit from all kitaanu (pun intended).


The one thing I would like to ask is- What right do we have to criticize someone when we ourselves don’t have credentials backing our statements?


You know what the worst thing is? There are people out there who genuinely try to make an effort, show us what they believe in, and what do we do? Trash them!


Karan Johar’s My Name is Khan.....What did we do? Complained in the name of freedom of speech and talked yards about how lame and unrealistic it was....Whatever happened to his freedom of representation? If we paid to watch it, it was our own free will there; he didn’t quite force us you know!


Sania Mirza........Everyone hates her now...Why? Because she had the audaciousness to speak her mind...and then even went on to marry someone ‘we’ didn’t want for her. Aren’t we curbing her right to freedom of choice?


Chetan Bhagat....I have read hundreds of bloggers who trash his writing by calling the language ‘sub- standard’........Maybe it isn’t the best....but so what? At least he had it in him to come out and do something, right?


Why do we love Saina Nehwal? Because she never says anything about anything....the minute she does, we will hate her too.


That’s the whole thing.....Someone does anything that strikes fame and we are there in dharnaa’s...all out to pin point on their flaws.


And no I didn’t forget the point in contention- The Media.....Here’s the reality for all ‘critics’ who might have missed it....I am interested in knowing what Shahrukh Khan has to say, a lot more than L.K Advani’s lame Ayodhya matter (the real news that everyone is sooo cribbing about)........I choose to watch Total Recall (an old songs show on Times Now) over The Devil’s Advocate interviewing Ram Jethmalani on how his client is ‘innocent’ (Entertainment over real matter? Hayo Rabba, is that a cardinal sin or what!)


So there it is- I am the culprit who has made the TRP’s rise for pointless gossip and entertainment oriented subjects.....and it only helps that there are scores of people like me who in the hi-fi ‘intellectual types’ ka opinion, are corroding the quality of news channels. And if I am behaving like an ignorant person, then well at least I have the guts to be vocal about my preferences!


And here is the most basic common sense material that I’m going to state.....If there is something to be covered, the news waala’s ARE going to do it.....it’s their JOB.....and they NEED something to run for 24 hours!...No, they are not going to get a ‘sapna’ on when the viewer is going to tune in so it only makes sense, to keep running it over and over....The smart thing to do is, once you have seen it, you turn off the TV set. Now was that rocket science?


Last words- To have an opinion is one thing, but to put down someone else, when you can’t do any better, only tantamounts to removing frustration on people who either don’t care, or are just going to be let down.....The outcome being, a negative aura is created and you make yourself plain unhappy. The media is doing all it can....We have murderers being brought to the fore, we have all vital information delivered at our doorstep, politicians being held accountable and made to face the heat.....Let’s not forget that these media persons are a work in progress and are far more concerned about getting things done right, just so the majority would stop complaining about them being irresponsible. Be practical...What more can they possibly do? Is a little Mirch Masala in the process really going to give us an ulcer? :)


P.S.1- I watch only NDTV 24x7 and Times Now.....Hence all views expressed are based on my observation of them alone.
P.S.2- If any media person is reading this, I accept cash, cheque and DD. Thanx! Much louuve!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

When do we really grow up?


That’s a question I have never been able to answer.

Warning- This post is going to be a bit long.....so khud ko free rakhiyega!

When in school, we had this tradition of ex- students coming back to see us in their hols and they would tell us all interesting stuff about their college life. Now since they were our seniors, we did know a lot of what they used to be as students and how drastically their entire personality would change in a span of less than a year. This by far was the most enticing part of coming back.....Meeting all the old people and they look up at you in awe and say cool stuff like.... “Aww....Look how you are all grown up!!! Mwaah!! And you seem so much taller and mature and you have a new glow to you”...Blah blah...that’s how it would go.....for everyone!

So I imagined the same thing would happen for me as well. That’s just about the only reason I wanted to go back (sounds really cheapo I know).....but the truth it is, I wanted to know how much I had changed too! And so I went.

How did it go? Terrible! This is what everyone told me “Aww...you haven’t changed a bit!!! You look exactlyyyy the same”.... Bhrr Blow! And this hasn’t been the only instance.....Old friends I meet, or comments on FB photos...they all speak more or less the same version...... ‘You are the same!!’ (looks, personality, behavior...all included)...And this makes me cringe.....Why haven’t I changed and become all glowy skin like everybody else? If nothing else then why couldn’t I at least become more ‘mature looking’ like all the others?

All this has been on my mind for a long time but something happened that triggered this whole thought process to appear in ink all of a sudden.

Now despite what everyone said I always told myself...Oh Sadi, you were really silly before but now you are different. Totallyyy.....A little bolder, a lot taller...yaada yaada...
But I guess I was wrong.....and to my utter surprise I didn’t even realise it before this....

About four years ago, when I went to college for the first time in Mumbai, I was this gilahri (squirrel) type, quiet nerdy girl without a voice.....very different (in my own perception at least)....and had learnt to travel by public bus for the first time...Once it so happened that I didn’t have a 10 rupees ka chutta....the least denomination I had was a 500 rupee note (emergency ke liye)...and the bus conductor had to keep me from getting off so he could get me the change.....Ideally speaking, I didn’t know the roads so the best option would have been to tell him to ‘keep the change’ and celebrate an early Diwali.....But no. It didn’t strike me then.

So I waited until he got me the change and that didn’t happen until we reached the bus depot that was a good 4 stops after mine....In the mean time I was in such a state of panic that I didn’t even remember to keep track of the route that was taken beyond my stop.....so I had the change alright, but I lost my way and to make the picture complete, it was pouring typical Mumbai ki baarish.....and there I was.....in the middle of God knows what place, drenched wet, with all the shop ka chapdaa wala paani falling on me......and what did I do??? I cried!!!!!!!!!! YESSS. In the middle of the road...with the whole world staring! Quite the epic picture of vulnerability.

Now that I think of it, there were a billion things I could have done...I had a phone so could call up home or simply take a taxi....worst come just ask someone...but nope....akal par taale pade hue the....to this day when I think about it, I feel like I was the stoopidesttt person on the planet. Now you would think, I had learnt something from it and this episode would never repeat again! I thought so too. But so it wasn’t to be.

4 months back, when I had gone to visit my parents and went shopping with them, I couldn’t find my mom in the shopping centre and there I was.....waterworks all over again...thennn I thought...Haiii ye to too much ho gaya! Last last lastttt time ever! Never again will this happen ya!

Did it? Course! Just 2 days back. Lost my friend in the mall and the misty vision showed up again!

Moral of the story?- They all were right and I was wrong....I haven’t changed...much as I would like to, or have even convinced myself of.........I am still scared of getting lost, I am still intimidated by good looking people, I still let my friends dominate me although I hate it, I still want every single person to like me, I still  have a billion smart things to say to people that will put them in their place but I don’t......Always thinking.... ‘Chod na yaar...Why take pangaa....Bekaar fight ho jaayega’.

I don’t.....and I don’t even know if I ever will!
Will I evolve someday just like everybody else and shed all inhibitions?...Oh and not to forget the glowy skin part! (Cheese... is that girly or what!)

P.S 1- No I’m not running low on the whole self- confidence thingy.....I even sang a song in front of 400 people.
P.S 2- Apologies, but I am always the heroine in my story....it’s a cent percent true though :)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Paul Baba ki jai ho!






With the sudden nuptial of one of our most eligible bachelor (Well I can’t say much about the looks part, but at least he was rich), the female audience was looking for a new Mr. Dependable and would you believe it, one week down and Bhagwaan ne already hamari sun liii!

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar can go fly a kite because we have found our newest hero.....he is dashing, sturdy and most importantly, has zero maintenance issues....still better all you need to do is feed him and you have the samaadhaan to all your problems......presentingggg.... the international sensation, the very famous and uber- yuppie....Yep that's right....Paul Baba!

Much has been said about his impeccable bhavishya vaani, and still more will be told about his ‘protection’ requirements, by Maneka Gandhi like animal activists. Too bad they don’t focus more on taming their own household species.

The big question- What now? Most people want to set him free in the ocean....other selfish ones are ‘worried’ about how he will manage after all the captivity he has been in......not to forget the loss of publicity that will depress him so utterly.

My take on the same?- Puhleeezzz give him to us Indians. Aise bhi we are such gareeb log (Hello Slumdog Millionaire?).....So do a good deed and have faith in the virtue of charity. Now you may ask as to how we are going to do justice to this fine act of philanthropy? Allow me to explain!

By creating a parallel IPL Stock Exchange off course....this will be the most sciency and advanced form of gambling...Oh no, gambling sounds too cheap so lets call it projective synergy.

This is how it works.....The animal obviously gets to predict who wins the cricket match but it doesn't end at that. There is a small role for everyone. What with jansankhya ki samasya and all....

The super saver members of our community can invest in 'Paul Baba Pvt. Ltd.' and their holding after a year gets converted to Reliance Petroleum equity. How? Mukesh Dada? Mumbai Indians? Remember remember? I am sure the deal will slice in like a breeze.

Next up, the udaaoo janta....well they can predict Paul Baba's verdict by sending an SMS from their lateshttt Max Mobile phone and win a freeee trip to Mud Island! How cool is that!

And last but far from the least, the team owners..... they need to bid for the food they would like to feed the octopus, over and above standard applicable rates....like Kadhai Paneer 50k+, Butter Chicken 75k+....You get the drift right? The food box as has been in the past, will be covered with the team jersey......this wayyy my Shahrukh Khan has his best everrr chance to win the tournament!

About the money that is pooled in, it can be allocated to an isssspecial 'Reduce- petrol- prices- cos- they- are- burning- my- damn- pocket- money' fund.
Ting tingg tidingg! Howzzat!
My only concern is, I hope Paul Baba likes our desi food.

Disclaimer- There isn't yet a law in the country that bars the public from betting on animal decisions. Hitherto, no personal liability of propagating illegal actions is attracted on the same :P

Monday, July 12, 2010

Damsel in distress- Part 2

Sadiya and Bengaluru ka paani not coming raas
Why in the world would anybody be motivated to call a place Bengalurooo? Any person not having much knowledge of our ‘Incredible India’ would most definitely think of it as some place in Bangladesh that has a flair for flutes.

Anyway, so this new take is about my 2 day visit to Bangalore (Yes that’s what I’m gonna call it and I don’t care what the Government thinks!)

Now in case you don’t know, Bangalore is a pleasant 5 hour drive from Chennai, mainly because the highway is Amul butter ke jaisa smooth.....

The journey now

We started at 5 am (read- some ehsaan faramosh people pulled me out of my bed, dragged me to the loo, forced me to brush and look presentable and dumped me in the car.....wo bhi WITHOUT BREAKFAST!!!). Needless to say, I slept like a log for the first 2 hours and then the lady rose for a cup of tea after which she slept againnnn.
If the journey was just eat, sleep, then I suppose the occasion to write about it, wouldn’t arise at all.....so in came the twist.....Of all the million lorries, there came one magnificent piece of iron that overtook our puny little Santro Xingg and at the speed we were cruising, despite the brakes being jammed, we dashed right into it.
Dhadammmmmmmm......
My first reaction- “Huhh! Kya hua!” I woke up (C’mon!). Next thing we obviously got off to examine the extent of damage. Bonnet was disfigured to a point where it looked sad, the fan thingy broke, the coolant was leaking and well to put it lightly, we were in baaad shape.....

Over to the lorry wala dude- In all my life, I have never met anyone who is sooo unfathomed by an accident. He just wouldn’t get off his vehicle! (Maybe he was on drugs....There’s no other way I can explain that kind of an attitude). Still worse we were on the middle of the highway, someplace in Ambur and no help in sight (except the lady in the field behind us....but she was too busy with her buffalo or whatever cattle stuff it was)......Anyway, so we threatened to call the police and ulta a local guy said, we would end up paying the police more than the lorry guy paid to us. (That’s the pathetic state of law!)

Well the situation had to be mended so we rushed as an emergency case to the nearest mechanic (who I think was half drunk.....but volunteered to help us anyway)....kintu parantu he wouldn’t help with his mouth shut....Oh no!....he spoke all about his family, uncles, aunts, house, cattle, hometown....even his dreams.....We on the other end were helpless people who would listen to anythingggg, provided he got us in moving condition (Frankly, left to me, I wanted to abandon the car itself, but didn’t say so, just in case someone might slap me, seeing already irritated as they were)......ok so that took about 5 hours!!! In the hot sun!!! I felt more like a character from the reality show ‘Desi Girl’ wearing cargo’s and a cool shool top in a gaaoo like locality....and all this without anything to eat!!!! Course the exception being a glass of Sprite! ( And just so you know I neverrrr go hungry, not even if I am in my worst mood everrr.....not even if someone dies.....Pehle pet pooja, phir kaam dooja.....Yeah down-market dialogue I know....but even that falls in second to the place we were in.)

Starving, tired and tanned we reached Bangalore......and after much hunting, found the place we were to be put up at........Turns out, it was surrounded all around with cemeteries and was what you can call a prime location for movies the likes of Raaz-3.....hmm no go....so had lunch instead (at 5pm! Reminds me of the commercial- Ab bas toot pado!)

The house hunt continues......now a little about the roads in Bangalore.....Noooobody knows anything about the place.....Either that, or they just hate tourists, cos every person we met would say the same thing for whatever we asked, “Third signal circle-ooo, and from there Ride-ooo”....That left us going in circle-ooo’s alright....I can’t remember the last time we took so many U-turns. The city’s roads in my opinion were made by some Ghajini like guy, who made a road with 4 lanes and forgot, so made another 4 lanes just adjacent and thus came into being, circles with 8 lanes and an utterly aggravated commuting janta. Amidst all this, we poor souls were hopelessly lost!...And don’t even get me started on the traffic.....I just wanted to break everyone’s car windows and scream at them for putting up with this confusion, but the lack of energy played spoilsport......Finally we found our place and gave into a peaceful night’s sleep. (Slept for 12 hours! For the record- without dinner! I will neverrr forget that!)

Next day- All was smooth and we got back home easy too.....only thing the people returning, i.e. us, were do tone tak adhik darker :(((((((. And to think I was planning to go to Mumbai next week, meet all my relatives and show off my new hairstyle......I wish I had concentrated more on those SPF or UPF or WTF rays wala commercials and invested in some sunscreen....Feels almost like having a pimple on the middle of your nose the night before prom....Aahh!

Good thing is, insurance pays for car damage plussss the biggesttt upside, WE ARE ALIVE!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Damsel in distress- Part 1


I probably can’t call myself a damsel, but in distress, yes I am…..this happens to be a series of epic muddles that have happened to me as part of being the ‘girl in charge of the house’….for a whole month!

Sadiya and the washing machine

Surprise surprise! I have neverrr washed clothes before……The max expertise I have in this field has been dumping them in the machine and then drying them once all the sound coming from inside stops. (Mom taught me that…and she took care of everything in between).

Ok so now that nobody is at home, I obviously have to be the person looking after this honorable task and to be very frank, I didn’t think of it as a big deal at all. I mean karna hi kya hai? The very basic idea of any machine is to make things easy. And my cousin did offer to instruct me to which I stoopidly pushed it away with an airy “Oh don’t worry…I will manage” dialogue.

My tryst with reality- Turns out just dumping the clothes inside the machine does not make it start!! Shocked at first, I dealt with it by trying to read the print on the lid….Unfortunately because the machine is over 5 years old, most of the print has been erased so I had to play a guessing game, and that’s pretty easy considering I know so little Tamil and have to make sense of all that everyone talks (besides the point I know)…..

Coming back, the buttons on the machine…..Ok there are so manyyyy….one that says ‘Start/Pause’ and another that says ‘On/Off’. Hmm one second- doesn’t ‘On’ and ‘Start’ mean the exact same thing? Tried them alternately but nothing happened…..the fatso just wouldn’t move! Damn this thing!….Oh sorry I forgot to switch on the power plug. Duh! (Scolded myself for being such a dumbo)…..Started over and got the hang of it….First you press ‘On’ and then the red light comes.

The next thing is, you need to choose from another set of 10-15 buttons (Ok I’m exaggerating)…So now you need to set the level. Your options are ‘Low’, ‘Medium’ and ‘High’…..My piece of wisdom to the machine wala’s (As is mandatory)- Pathetic grammar! I mean dude this is a washing machine! So shouldn’t the print read… ‘Few’, ‘More than few’ and ‘Many’? Anyway so I chose Medium (I mean you can't go wrong with that because it’s in the middle... Uhh right na?). And it’s not over yet cos there is still one more set of buttons to choose from.

One that reads….. ‘Soak’, ‘Wash’, ‘Spin’, ‘Drain’. Now if someone was asking me that, I would just say – Wash, thank you. But no you can’t select that. You need to select more than one. It’s like ek pe do freeeee. Since I couldn’t get just ‘Wash’, I decided I wanted my clothes extra clean and hence pressed all the buttons and finallyyyy pressed the magic ‘Start’ button. Phew! Itniii mehnat!

So I left the machine to take care of itself and went to check out the newspaper….came back after 10 minutes and opened the lid.

No, no, noooooooo. Amidst this entire hullabaloo, I forgot to put the detergent itself! Aaaah. This is so frustrating. So added that…..No surprises I didn’t know how much…. So I put four huge spoons. Ab koi gadbad hone ka scope hiii nahi!!

When the fatso finally thought it had done enough exercise, it decided to stop and I carefully took my precious clothes to dry.

Later that day- IT RAINED!!!!! Mummyyy I miss you! :(((((((((((((

For Part 2..........