Thursday, May 27, 2010

Indian-ism


Every country’s people have a set of queer things about them….stuff that only they understand and relate to…..the same goes with us Indians…..and my post here is to state all that is obvious about our clan…….this could prove to be very useful if you happen to be a newcomer in my country…else just a reminder of what we truly are….

Timings don’t really apply- If a card says, 8 pm, what they actually mean is you need to get in the mood for dressing up for the event by 8pm, and get to the venue as and when you are set from thereon……If however you end up on time, or still worse 10 minutes before time, chances are you will be greeted by the decoration folks and stuck blowing balloons for them.

We don’t really understand English music very well- I have met a fair number of people bordering a few hundreds and I’m yet to meet an Indian soul who understands every word of an English song entirely for the first time they listen to it…..Whether you Walk English or Talk English….it just doesn’t matter….this coast is never cleared.

We have very little patience- If there is a queue for a certain counter, you will alwayyyys, always find at leasttt one impatient person who wants to jump the queue and get ahead of the others thereby taking a toll on your patience as well……Even at airports, as soon as the aircraft lands, everyone is in a hurry to stand up, knowing fully well that you can’t really do much until the plane has come to a halt…....For some unknown reason, we are always in a hurry to get everything done all at once.

We love our food- No, not just love…..In fact we are proud of it, and it doesn’t end at that…we even expect others to love it….Any interview with a foreigner is never complete without the question….. ‘Do you like the food here?’ The poor guy has to say ‘Yes’ to be polite……if however he chooses to be candid and says ‘No’, he had better be prepared to get into elaborate reasons ki baba ‘WHYYY!!!’

We stare a lottt- Yeah that’s something unexplained….for some reason or no reason being the reason, we instinctively stare at people……their clothes, accessories….everything…. and we remember it for a long time too. Also, if we like it, we go on a search party mission to get the exact same version of it.

We loouuuve to talk- Well everyone loves to talk but at our end, talk means telephone conversations that last for a minimum of a good half hour and topics namely ‘weather’ or ‘lateshttt Bollywood movies’ are a compulsoryyyy composition! Oh and we even love to talk at the front door for ages just before leaving someone’s house.

We haaaate tea bag wali chaai- If its tea, it has to authentic, strong milk tea that has been cooked for at leastttt 10 minutes…anything lesser than that…..Its not tea, its hot water!

We love matching stuff- Matching shoes is what I like, but as a general trend in aunties, I have noticed they love to wear matching stuff…..from clothes, to hair clips to accessories to shoes…..everything is color coordinated!

We neverrrr buy original stuff- There is a code somewhere in our culture…..Mahatma Gandhi probably said it….. ‘Don’t purchase original music from legal websites’….That explains why NO ONE ever buys copyright version of music CD’s or even movie CD’s for that matter…..for the remainder of people who don’t fall into this category, well they are just considered stoopid by their majority counterparts. Sorry…that’s the way it is around here!

We are a big happy family- Anything that spells ‘social’ equates to a car full of people (read- over and above optimum capacity)…..This probably is because we have manyyy relatives who in many cases are not even directly related. Also, the number of people who come to receive us at the airport is directly proportional to how lovable we are!

P.S- All of the above applies to a good 95% people.

All about South-Indian weddings

I, being a Mumbai ki kudi and having seen so few weddings to begin with, had very little knowledge on the do’s and don’ts of South- Indian weddings…. which ended in me embarrassing myself a couple of times……So the same doesn’t happen with you, this post is to give you a brush up on your conduct of what to do and what not to do in case you end up in a similar situation…

1- Most weddings take place sometime in the evening…..but that’s not how it works in Chennai….The wedding generally is at 6 am in the morning so first things first, read the time correctly and get up well in advance to be able to look fresh and priteeeee!

2- If it is your friend’s wedding, you first need to prove she is your friend..... and that can only be done by wearing a saree….If you don’t wear it, the statement you unintentionally put forth is that you couldn’t care enough to even look good on her big day……her folks will hate you for a long- long time thereafter….Believe me its true! Oh and avoid black….its considered inauspicious.

3- If the couple are not your friends, don’t bother getting their names- South-Indian names are a yard long so in all probability you won’t remember them……and even if you manage to remember them, you can’t pronounce them… hence end up embarrassing yourself…..My tip- Skip it…..Just say ‘Congrats’ and it’s a done deal.

4- Jasmine flowers and Parachute oil are two of the most vital ingredients that complete your look….so if you don’t have them and are asked as to why, don’t be a Satyavaadi Harish Chandra and talk about your dislike for them (its disrespectful! )….so keeping the sentimental value in mind, be an angel and say you ‘forgot’!

5- When it comes to the food, there is a predetermined way as to how you eat it. One, you don’t have plates…..you have banana leaves instead…..Two, the first time when you have your glass quarter filled with water…. noooo don’t drink that water….You are supposed to wash your leaf with it…..And then the eating commences. No fork, no spoon……Its rice and sambar so just dig in with your hands full. Numm numm!

6- Once you are done eating, you need to fold the leaf…..and this too needs to be done the right way (My tip- Just see how others are doing it)

7- Pleeeaasee carry a clutch with a hand sanitizer and tissues.

8- And finally, just when you are going to leave, you get a free takeaway gift…..a coconut (again- no kidding)……don’t make a fuss….just take it and go……..oh and don’t forget to thank the host and say bubbieee. Arey its good manners yaar!

Tadaaa!! That’s it…..now you are all set to do it namba tamilian way. Vanakkam!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The whole 'shaadi' thing!


I just saw the movie Vivaah (Shahid and Amrita wala)…...and there was this scene of an arranged marriage where the guy meets the girl and does some ‘private’ main talk shalk….Doubt- Is it really like that? And then 20 years down the line, what will the girl tell her children about ‘How I met you daddy’?...... “The first thing your daddy asked me was…..Ji aapke kya kya hobbies hai?”…..Somehow that doesn’t seem like the right answer at so many levels……Truth to tell, if I were the girl I would be embarrassed, if I were the girl’s kid, I would be still more embarrassed!

So what if a girl doesn’t want all this……saying no (as in rejecting the guy) jaha tak I know is a total stigma and surely means you have some chakkar going on in the background…. so the best bet you have is to get the guy to say no. How?

Enter Sadiya- And this brings me to the point of this post- What are the things you can do to get rid of a random wannabe groom? I mean I know this sounds kinda shallow and sadly that is the truth yaar….I take cheap thrills in thinking nonsensic, non- happening, impractical and mundane stuff…..now that I've said that, I think we can move right on. Here are my top 5 ways where a NO from the party of the first part is totally guaranteed (you don’t get any money back btw). Listen carefullyyyy and you can even try this at home….just don’t come back to me if you don’t get desired results.

Take 1- Lipstickk- Yeah arranged marriages ensure that the meeting session witnesses the girl to be overdressed in a teeny way short of being a bride….so obvious si baat hai you would have plenty of make – up going too…..In this situation here is what you need to do…..Crib about everything……the clothes, the jewellery, the hairstyle…everything….to a point where the gharwaale get bugged….and just when they are about to touch the make up front……make a sad face and say…. ‘Can’t I at least do this on my own?’….Chances are they will give in……if they don’t, then go for a last minute touch up and execute as I say……Pick the darkest shade you can find……red, orange and purple are the new hues…..apply a handsome amount and if you want best results then you could even try all three together…….Thennnn make your grand appearance…..but haa with your head down….and then at the meeting veeting time, look up at the guy with a full on close up toothy ‘say cheeeese’ wala smile…..he will be shockeddd and probably even scream…..So there! Not only do you get a NO and a fresh lease of life, but you will also manage to be on his mind for a longgg longgg time! Tadaaaa!

Take 2- Display your poor conversation skills- When I say that, I mean talk in English with all the wrong pronunciations so you come across as a gawaar desi girl……For instance say iskool for school….and keep repeating it over and over……like this
“I had many friends in iskool but now they are all in Amreeka…..I think it’s near Kaneda no?”. He will be disgusted….and then the thought of introducing you to his friends will enter his mind followed by an immediate NO. Huh! Mission accomplished!

Take 3- Put some chalk powder on your hair…..and you need to be very neat with this so it doesn’t all end up looking fake or planned…..then when the moment of truth comes by, just lehraao your silky silky hair with all the graying in it…….(ensure that the other party notices)…..yep that’s about it…job done! No one wants to marry a premature aging woman! What follows can be left to providence. Easy!

Take 4- Don’t cooperate with the conversation…..talking to a stranger is a tough task and so much harder when the person opposite won’t get on……So be the tough nut here……answer every question by saying “Maybe” or “I don’t know” and give a least interested look that reads…. “Jaldi karo baba”…….Somewhere down the line he will get the signal, get frustrated and give up…..and there! Strike!

Take 5- Talk about your other friends……for instance “My friends….Neeta, Renu, Priya and Rohit”……and the minute you say the guy’s name give a sad expression, pause for a minute, clear your throat and then quickly say something irrelevant at top speed so it gets visible that a broth is cooking.
You see the thing is, however progressive we get, arranged marriages bring us back to basics and the guy in all situations wants an impeccable ‘ji huzoor’ type begum….. another hero in the photo frame hardly seems like the talk is going to make the cut. Exploit this instinct and baby you’re home!

Having said all of the above, if however his good looks make you change your mind…….roping in has just one take to it.
Take 1- Smile (wo sweet innocent wala)…..He’s yours……If however he isn’t…then he definitely qualifies to be called a ‘retard’ to your friends……..
Chaaho to sab kuch hai aasaaaaaaaann!

Guys+ Shopping= Total No-No


Whenever I have gone shopping with any guy, I have always ended regretting it…….this I think is one front they not only have zero talent for, but also zero taste and minus 10 patience!

And most of the time you spend in their company on a shopping trip, deals with them either making fun of you or lazy comments like ‘Ho gaya’, ‘Poochne ki kya zaroorat hai’, ‘Aur kitna time hai?’, ‘Ab check bhi karna hai’……..repeated a few hundred times where you reach your boiling point and the frustration of not finding what you want teaming up with their smart comments makes you want to resign and you do one of 2 things-
One, you storm off without buying anything….bole to worthless taxi bhaada ka kharcha…..
Or Two, you end up grabbing the first thing that comes in eye contact, pay for it and leave…..This however is still worse than the first option cos when you go home, you realize its pathetic….When you say its pathetic, they laugh at you for being so stoopid, then you have to go back and return it….matlab double taxi bhaada and that’s not the end….every once in a fortnight you will be reminded of how you were soooo stoopid to buy something silly on that once upon a time occasion.

And this has happened to me enough number of times now to understand that I need to opt out of these situations…..So today when my bro, who is going back home to mumma next week wanted to buy something for her as a gift, I let him do the shopping on his own….Here is what followed

To begin with he didn’t know what to get…..ok behen kab kaam aayegi? So he asked me what to get and I suggested a handbag…..Mom was looking for a new one the last time round as far as I can recollect……Yeah so he was all excited and went to a mall to buy one for her…..Next thing he is there and phone rings….. “Didee what color? What brand? What type? How big?” ……Resolved all of that and I thought ok all has been sorted.

Nope 5 minutes down…. “Didee there is a wallet here that you can hang on your shoulder. Should I get that?” Ok hello hello!!!! Who hangs wallets on their shoulders???? What kind of taste is that….and we are blood related! Big NO…..asked him to get a purse that looks like a purse…. that had he bothered to concentrate on the womanfolk in our house, he would have known…..Matter over…..hung up!

Nope 2 minutes down….. “Dideeeee I just found the perfect purse…..it looks great! Made of leather I think….Mom will love it….black color….got some hangings in front and embroidery behind. Le loo?”
Ok first of all how will I understand all this on the phone?…..But just to end the matter I said….Great! Le lo!
(You might say that’s mean but then again you weren’t at the receiving end of back to back calls na!)

Another 2 minutes down …. “Dideee…..its not leather….its rexine….Now what to do?” By then I was pretty irritated so asked him to take it if he liked it and leave it if he didn’t.
Reply- “Deeds you’re really not helping!” Ok hello- Ab tak kya kar rahi thi!

2 minutes later- “Actually Didee I don’t know…..will take you tomorrow and then you only select” Great!!! Aur kaam hi kya hai mera!

Seriously, I think these mumma’s boys will never learn anything!

Dulhan mil gayi?


A sequel to the previous post. You see I am a neutral person when it comes to politics……and just like other people my temperament, it makes no difference as to who comes in an out of power…..so considering the invaluable services I rendered for the BJP, its only fair that I maintain my neutrality by doing something for the Congress as well….after all they have their haath aam aadmi ke saath…..

Right, that said I would now like to come back to the actual point of the post which is finding a girl for one of the most eligible bachelors of our country- Rahul Gandhi….. now I don’t do this matrimonial business for every second person but this as you may notice is for the sake of the future of my country…...desh prem ki bhaavna is chalkofying.....almost feel like standing up and singing the National Anthem right away!

Yeah so not getting carried away any further, here is my recommendation for the 5 most eligible ladies suitable for the Chiraag of our nation-:

Mayawati- Isn’t that a fantastic idea to pair the 2 together? I mean think about it…..Rahul will not have to go and spend sleepless nights in Dalit people’s houses trying to prove his love for the poor…..Instead by marrying the leader of their clan, he can manage to make a statement alright…...and as for Maya herself……uske to bhaag hi khul jayenge….to have a stud like gaalo main gadde wala hubby…..he might even convince her to grow her hair and be more presentable……that way our country becomes a more aesthetic place and the UP wala votes also fall straight into the Congress ki jholi……what more could one ask for?

Barbara Mori- Haa haa wahi Brazilian wali Kites ki actress. Of what I am given to understand from the reviews about the movie, it sure looks like her future of a career in Bollywood is that of a stray kati patang…..with a 12 year old son and a quest to find true love in India, she poses as the perfect bride material….weight on her bio data being she is just the right age and with the diverse background of cultures she comes from, the perfect fit to understand our stuff……hamare media se to haath lag hi chuke hai…..Moreover she would keep up the tradition of having a foreigner bahu in the Gandhi family! Hai na perfect?

Mallika Sherawat- The last I heard, she was offered an honorary citizenship in L.A…..In her words, “Would you believe it?” (Answer- It’s difficult to! First Sania gone, now you…..Looks like we have found a way to outsource all our problems!)
Ok on a serious note, she is the perfect sundar and susheel kanya for hamara Rahul….bonus he will probably even get a green card if he takes her in! The next time Shivsena gives him dhamkee, he doesn’t need to travel by cattle class to Daadar….instead he can just take a direct flight to Amreeka!!

Ekta Kapoor- Beechaar!! The woman needs help……because she is single, that means she has a lot of free time…..Idle mind= Devil’s workshop…. Remember, remember??? So if this duo works out, we the janta could get total riddance from crappy saas bahu soaps and immortal heroes. Also the couple in all likelihood would top the Times most powerful couple ka list. Name te Fame. Hor ki mangta hai!

Rani Mukherji- Usko bhool to nahi gaye na? The once upon a time actress who can also play cricket. Now here’s why she is good for Rahul…..One of the many Rahul’s problems was Mayawati accusing him of using ‘scented soap’ after meeting the Dalit folks…..But now with Rani Mukherjee around, he can get loads and loads of freeeee Margo saabun!!!.....thereby doing kitaanuo ka sarvanaash!!

Yes that’s about the list I have managed to compile with great care…..sab ek se ek susheel kanyaaeyy!! Sarvagunn sampan!! Just say the words ‘I do!’

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Leader kaun?


(Kabhi kabhi galti se mere se aise kamaal ho jaate hai)



I read an article the other day by Chetan Bhagat with tips to the BJP on what they were doing wrong in their role as the opposition and one very valid point he made was, ‘Who is your Rahul Gandhi’…….as in the person who is the face of their party. Now since the BJP wala’s are yet to provide any certain answer on that, I thought of taking the liberty of making a few recommendations. You know na aise by the way help toh main karti hi rehti hoo. Right, so here goes my list of top 5 eligible candidates

Rakhi Sawant- And she is top priority. If you didn’t catch it on her fake swayamvar then Her Highness wants to be a politician in the near future, which is why this poses as the perfect opportunity. As for the BJP they will be more than thankful to have her around cos with her, comes free paparazzi ki guaranteed chatr chaaya . Plus, she can do ache acho ka thikaana and best of all, if by chance they do come into power, there’s every chance she might get assassinated and then we can have riddance from her forever and ever. Yayyy! ‘Clearly’ a win- win situation for everyone!

The motu Sprite guy- Remember those commercials with the guy saying, 'kutte ko pataa, ladki khudbakhud pat jaayegi?' Yep that’s the guy I’m talking about. With ideas like his, just imagine BJP kaha se kaha pohoch jaayegi. Added advantage being he has been with those African tribe wale log in his recent commercials so there is no telling what he could do if you messed with him!

Himesh ji- Oh I just love him. Kya acting!! Kya singing!! And now silky silky hair also. I am bound to believe that anything he touches is good as gold. Besides, he is better looking than anyone on the BJP team anyway. Advantage of having him is, the minute people start arguing in his presence, he can give dhamkee ki either shut up or I will sing ooooooooo in my nasal accent. Tadaaaa! Sab khamoshhhh!

Shiney Ahuja- Yep give it up for the man with hair that looks like it suddenly got burnt. Whatever be his past, he is popular and he obviously has a record for showing no discrimination among people of different income groups, phir chaahe Bollywood abhinetri ho ya domestic helper. Aise log aajkal kaha milte hai???

Chatur guy from 3 Idiots- Shorriee I dunno his real name but he sure seems a smooth fit in the larger scheme of things. For a start he doesn’t talk in shudh hindi so the vast majority can at least understand what he is saying and then he can give kaante ki takkar to Sonia aunty’s accent wali Hindi too……Perfectus!!

I hope this healthy change helps in bringing up the BJP team ka morale and rising over petty anti-democracy centric issues!

P.S- I would be more than willing to give a reference letter for any of the above mentioned diamond studs*
*Standard charges apply!

Up to date- Part 2

Contd........

This actually is supposed to be the start of the previous post but had to go through the process of explaining start se which is why it took so long……Bore to nahi ho rahe na?


Assuming not, here are the things I would like to highlight
Clearly- Now I cannot really understand what is so special about the word ‘clearly’…. Whatever emotional connect it has with the news wali didi, she sure loves it a lot……every other sentence says…… ‘clearly’ it is a moment in history……. ‘clearly’ the Government is struggling to be at the top of this…… ‘clearly’ I don’t understand this ‘clearly’ wala drama……I mean if it was sooooo ‘clear’ then why would I waste my time listening to your crap?

The next thing is the words they use…….someone please explain to me why it is such an issue for these people to use normal homo sapiens ka understanding wala words? I mean what kind of people use words like ‘modus operandi’ and ‘schizophrenia’ in ordinary day to day language???…Don’t their friends laugh at them? And I thought it was an English news channel!

The focus on Pakistan- Ok I know we are next door wale neighbors and I know Sania Mirza dumped us for them, but still why are we so obsessed with their political arena? And even if some random Kasaab terrorist guy originates from their soil, what can they do about it NOW? And jhaakofying into our girebaan don’t we have similar inborn terror with Naxals? What right then do we have, to hold the beechaar Pakistani log ka collar for our problems?….Plus how is it going to change anything present or future wise? All I understand is there are talks and talks and talks after which the Minister is changed due to unsuccessful talks and then again resume a new session of talks with the new Minister. ‘Clearly’ these talks are not helping!

There is a larger purpose for everything…..with each debate the guy on the hot seat justifies every action of his party in the interest of the ‘larger purpose’. But someone mind telling me what exactly is this magnificent ‘larger purpose’? The audience is supposed to fill in the blanks and that is supposed to be their ‘larger purpose’. Is that it?

Another thing I noticed was the people coming in for group discussions…successful politicians mostly…..and a favorite answer for them when it comes to dodging dangerous questions is generally ‘Matter is sub judice for comment’. My question is if they were so reserved about the whole matter then why did they agree to discuss about it on National television in the first place? ‘Clearly’ their presence has not served the ‘larger purpose’!

And then there is the use of unknown and unheard of quotes…..especially from Navjot Singh Sidhu…..we do share the same birthday but that aside, I think I pretty much loathe his personality…..hate his dressing sense, technicolor pagdi’s, talking style, basic lack of sense of what to say when….Oh and did I forget to mention he just can’t stay shut for nuts…..won’t let others speak and forget me…..not even the hosts get what he is saying…. I do know that quotes are good, but only when sparingly used and fitting with the context…..or so I have been taught!......All they manage to do is distract the audience from the ‘larger purpose’.

Finally, every new controversy that arises, is telecast back to back to back giving in second to second details of the ‘latest reports’ on the matter and 2 days down, a talk show is held on whether the issue has been over hyped. Ok rewind one sec……Wasn’t the hype created by that very channel ka log in the first place? Ironic?

‘Clearly’ some things are a bit out of my league and I shouldn’t try to reason with them!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Up to date- Part 1


You see ji- I made a new resolution…..to keep track of current affairs…..you know na…. what’s happening around the world and stuff….and this transition is for 2 reasons.

1- I was on an airplane and met an Austrian guy who was chair person of UNESCO for Peace Studies cum guest lecturer cum a lot of other accomplishments which are on his business card but I don’t think you would be interested…….Well anyway, so he told me about the nature of his work and interaction with people from other countries……


All was well until he hit the button talking about famous politicians with golden policies and propagandas floated as well as uprisings among people of various countries….Needless to say, I didn’t understand a word of what he was talking and could not think of a single answer to sound even remotely smart so just kept saying mono syllables like….yeah?......wow……nice……okkk……the likes…..this pretty much gave me a reality check on how being ignorant wasn’t such a good thing and for this episode never to happen again, I decided to start looking up a couple of headlines per day. For the record the hot shot guy bored me to death and didn’t even ask my name…..I think these vilaayati log are really so full of themselves…..(or maybe my feeble attempts of wanting to yawn in his face had something to do with it)

2- A UPSC exam that I am to write this coming Sunday…..IAS thingy……am not really so keen on it but then from fear of getting negative marks (read- minus 25…..Hai! What will everyone say!) and being insulted in front of everyone, its quite essential I get my general knowledge in order (that’s what a major part of the exam is about btw)

Right so these 2 were my key motivational factors thanx to which I set out to be a chakaachak well informed person.

First target being the morning newspaper…..I actually thought…morning main fresh fresh hokar I could just check out the headlines and it would make total sense…somehow I would understand it all……but nope nope…..the headings were vague and didn’t make any sense whatsoever…..so had to read the entire content….and that meant just reading 2 pages took over an hour…..and not to mention the strain on my eyes cos of the fine print……okies not my thing so quit……maybe mera newspaper hi good nahi hai.

So I switched to a better way…read Barkha Dutt’s tweets….smart no?.....but then nah not really… cos to begin with her comments were largely a continuation of the show she hosted, accompanied with her personal thoughts and attempting to get a feedback from whatever was other people’s point of view…..well that obviously doesn’t help me cos I DON’T HAVE A POINT OF VIEW to begin with……so as you might have guessed this didn’t work for me either!

And now more determined than ever, I thought …ok….Hum haar maanne waalo main se nahi hai!…..and the next target being the source of this whole news wala pangaa itself…..TV…..Waise bhi karna hi kya hai….just have to tune into some news channel and keep my ears open…Easy!

For this I chose NDTV 24x7……dunno why my loyalties are with that channel (read- I don’t know anything about other news channels or any people in them except Arnab Goswami so this was the obvious choice).
Haa so I followed whatever debates and discussions and headlines and controversies and blah blah they offered……and now……..yessss… I am in a position to analyse a few things which have hit me over and above my range of understanding…..


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Nazrein uthaaiye to sahi!


From the plethora of people you meet at exam halls, there is something you can take from each one….and here’s the different types you might encounter-:

1- Overly confident types- They look like they know everything….or at least such is their body language…confident…even arrogant sometimes and highly irritable if you ask them any question….their expression reads….. ‘Uff Loser! Itna bhi padkar nahi aayi?’

2- Stationery ki dukaan types- Whether or not they know the matter, they are sure of one thing, pen aur pencil kam nahi padne chahiye……ranging from every color to every size and variety, they have it all…..oh and they are very touchy about it too….if galti se you have a bad day, fall short and ask them to lend one, they fall into a dharm sankat!!...... ‘Ye kya maang liya!’

3- P.T. Usha related types- They are very fond of exercising their foot muscles…..just before the exam begins, you can find them pacing up and down the exam hall……greater the tension, quicker the pace….just the action of seeing them lehraaing is good enough to increase the bile movement in your little tummy.

4- Hai menu ki nai aanda hai types- They are the most dangerous……Firstly, they claim not to have studied anything and how they have every reason why they will surely flunk. Secondly, they start shooting at you random questions……at such a speed that before you can recollect the answer, they have struck another bouncer….if you don’t keep well away from them, chances are, you will end up being converted into their category even before you know it!

5- Bhagwaan ko yaad karo types- They are very religious and available wholesale main….ranging from simply dressed people with different shades of red color wala teeka’s on their forehead to incessant shlok japne wala matra’s, you will find them all!

6- Khoya khoya chaand types- They are lost and totally aloof…give the impression like entering the room was a mistake….least interested and totally anti- social…oh yeah they stare a lotttt and find other people’s actions pretty amusing….not sure why!

7- Washroom lover types- They go to the washroom an insane number of times! Waste a lot of other people’s times by thinking, ‘Abhi to gayi thi na? Not well kya?’

8- Ye to surely aayega types- They seem to believe that they have been given the vardaan of telling the future……predicting is what they are expert at. If you listen to them, nothing of what they claim will come, if you don’t, exactly that question will come! Not sure how to deal with them.

9- Baaton ki barkat types- They have a casual attitude and NEED to talk….and not just talk but talk full volume par, and if it was study related then that’s ok….but nahi…..its about the last night ka IIFA awards or some gossip news that is totally unrelated…...can be very funny sometimes.

10- Last minute learner types- Of all the months of study leave, they never find adequate time, which is why everything needs to be learnt 2 minutes before the exam……they read a word on each page and all you can do is stare and admire at their speed and talent of flipping pages.

Yep that’s about as many! Post bhi over, exams bhi over! Yayyy!

Cut to the real deal


If it’s soft, mushy romance cum family drama, Bollywood has given thy all that can possibly be fabricated. Here’s prototyping the majority of our stories

Plot- 1- Guy and girl accidentally bump into each other, have an argument……that is reason good enough to make them janam janam ke dushmann……guy tries to mess with her and gets a karaara jawab……guy full on fida with miss attitude but hamari kudi….nah not impressed…..then begin ways to pataao her….and when nothing works and he has almost given up to be a Majnoo for upto the rest of eternity, right then some gunda log enter……ladki says bachao bachao…….ladka does super sound main dishum dishum……he is 50 kilos and lifts up and beats 10 guys of 80 kilos each…..aah the power of louuuvve! Now ladki also comes line pe……Intermission…after the gaana that is!
Break ke baad- the happy happy couple break the good news to their parents and huuuge tamaasha ensues……babuji says ‘door ho jaao meri nazro se’ and keeps them vanchit of his aashirvaad. Slowly the duo display their sarvagunn sampann qualities….do super seva and lo ji baat ban gayi…and thennn …..they live happily ever after….or so we assume.
Last seen the likes in- Dil, aur bhi hai (yaad nahi aa rahe abhi)

Plot-2- This happens on a journey…train, plane, car…..kuch bhi chalega…..yes so guy and girl meet each other on one or the other mode of transport….location depending on the budget of the film…..they talk, talk and talk, then make the fraaaandsheeps, and when its time to say goodbye, they realize…Haiii! Mujhe to pyaar ho gaya!....kindle the romance, convince the other party and break all barriers...thy name is love!
Last seen the likes in- Baaton Baaton main, Dilwale dulhaniya le jayenge, Hum tum, Jab we met, Mr. and Mrs. Iyer, Pyaar to hona hi tha…..hhh so many!

Plot-3- Guy loves girl……girl loves guy…..both are too sharmeela so can’t say it…..enter the little pet who does the talking for them and sets things in order. God bless Tuffy!
Last seen the likes in- Maine pyaar kiya and Hum aapke hai kaun

Plot-4- Smooth two- way traffic between guy and kanya……but turns out their families are puraane zamaane ke dushmann…..hostility gets in the way and lots of rona dhona comes around….however because our hero and heroine are….well…the hero and the heroine…..they bring the situation to their terms and most often someone at the end of this drama dies for everyone to get a reality check.
Last seen the likes in- Qayamat se qayamat tak, Saudagar, Kuch tum kaho kuch hum kahe, Hulchul, Hero No.1, Badhaai ho badhaai.

Plot-5- The prem katha of 2 lovers remains incomplete and the bonds of louuvve are so strong that they come in yet again as part of a ‘punarjanm’ to reunite. Yep fullto filmy hai!
Last seen the likes in- Kudrat, Om shanti om, Lamhe.

Plot- 6- ‘Just friends’ is the call at the start but as time goes by, chemistry strikes and things look different…..hmm ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte! :(
Last seen the likes in- Jaane tu ya jaane na, Kuch Kuch hota hai, Mujhse dosti karoge

Plot- 7- Haan ji ye last hai! Pitaaji is a police officer with 3 kids…..chor log kill the daddy…..mummy and baccha log get lost in the storm…..30 years later they reunite….girlfriend samet…..How?......Easy! Cos they remember the song their pitaaji taught them when they were kids! Tadaa! Sab khush khush! Great big football team like huddle!
Last seen the likes in- Yaadon ki baraat, Amar akbar Anthony, Hum kisi se kam nahi

Abhi ke liye bas itna hi!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Bacche ki jaan loge kya?


For all the people who say…..Make your own mistakes….I’m not too sure about it……cos going by it…..You know you’ve made a mistake, plus you can’t hold anyone responsible for it. If your life sucks, it’s purely your own fault….a.k.a….pathetic feeling…Why would anyone want that?

All the last few days for me have been crap! Reason- phir se aa gaye exams!
Seems like an unending marathon really. Now I don’t know about other students but as far as goes the CA exam writing wala fraternity, and here’s strictly speaking about people more or less like my IQ, there are some things that just need clarity of thought.

Here’s the funny thing…the majority of us are in the 50% mark zone……its how much we aspire for and dream in our best dreams about……anything more than that is just infinite kindness on the Institute’s behalf.

Right, so on a paper of 100 marks, what we really really know is just about 40%.....which we can complete in roundabouts one hour. That thus leaves 60% of the paper out of which we are going to get only 10 marks….This zone in my opinion is the most stressful and traumatizing…..cos you have 2 hours to pakaofy a khichdi of whose ingredients you have no clue of……
From a theory paper the essence of the question is broken down to the last bit, even anything rhyming helps to get past the desperation of conveying to someone something that you don’t know, must less have professional knowledge about.

From a numerical paper…..the mauke ki nazaakat only brings in us the spirit of doing a ruthless post mortem of every number in the question and even forming our own formulae…..if the examiners cared enough they might even realize that they are looking in the face of some timeless inventions……But aahh…its not to be.

Now my question for this post is- Even if we are given the simplest question paper, what is the point, when the actual truth is we don’t know at all how the stuff is done or what it means?? Nobody to teach anything so if you have a problem then all that can be said is ‘Oh honey… You’re on your own here.Too bad! ’

After reading this you might think that I don’t care to study very well or much in advance…….which is not totally untrue but then again……How practical is it to sit 2 months before the exam, every single day for 18 hours???? What kind of a normal person does that??

We live in Twenty10 where every inch of the way is filled with distractions…..even if you overlook a few…still how much and to what extent?…. Besides if you don’t reply to your friends on Facebook then that makes you boring and uncool……If you don’t join your friends for movies…..that makes you snobbish…..that’s besides balancing an articleship which in my opinion is nonsense value…..So kya kare? If you give up everything then that pretty much leaves you with no social life at all! In the end, you have a degree and balding clients, but no friends.

In light of all this said, shouldn’t any person who has his heart in the right place at least ponder over our hardships and give some special consideration in getting us closer to the 50% target mark? If not, then isn’t all this against human rights or something??? Post My Name is Khan, the Shivsena folks are beginning to fade away....maybe they should take this up!!!
Umm form kaha bharna hoga?
(Myself almost fully marathi maanus choo)
Jai Maharashtra!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Oye Bubbly!


As happens in more than most cases, in times when you are in the middle of some rocket science type calculations, with pencil in mouth, specs on nose, one hand flipping pages and another jabbing numbers in the calculator, your mind tries to play the goalkeeper saving as many shoots it can gather and when its exhausted decides to go on time out….right then, the biggest, smartest and most revolutionary ideas enters your head……totally unrelated though……however, we all know ki ek idea badal sakta hai aapki duniya so here’s my latest, newest, world best idea…

The build down first (opposite of build up in case you don’t know)

Have you ever noticed how much trouble it is to drive a car on Indian roads? Especially if you’re a girl!

For one thing you need to start the ignition…which never starts on the first instance…..krrrr and stop…dead……everyone in the car goes khamoshhhhhh…..you say a silent prayer and start again…..this times aahh. Chalo start ho gayi….then get the accelerator and clutch in sync, get the damn car to move…..and if there is a speed breaker on the way…..then it goes dead again….repeat repeat……..this is the first phase.

Second phase- when you are cruising on the road at 20 km/hr, you get stuck in traffic…..again keep your mind on the clutch, the accelerator, the break….look to your left, look to your right……look in front so you don’t end up killing someone….then there is the manhoos signal…which in all the confusion you end up overlooking and obviously good luck is sooo good ki paandu havaldaar comes and says….. ‘Medamm signal kyu toda?’… so you say sorry at leasttt a few hundred times and offer to be his free raakhi sister…….this happens so often ki you end up making a good 10 adopted brothers in the locality and all of them…yepp that’s right- havaldaars.

And the last phase- get to your destination and horror strikes…..hhhh reverse parking…..not only do you have to display your poor parking skills to 5 other people but in the process of holding them up, have to bear with their mocking looks too…mostt embaarassing!

Kab tak chalega ye sab?

All these problems ko dhyaan main rakhte hue, here’s what I propose…. Tadaaa….Sadiya Merchant ka aavishkaar!!!!!....Ok not aavishkaar…discovery maybe….and I know as is the case with all great ideas that are thought hatkey…shallow people lack the ability to gauge the extent of genius at face value and dismiss it as stoopid…… I trust you will be more mature and not do that!

Ok ok now listen!
You remember those bumper cars in theme parks?......those cute buggy like things that you ride and dash into 5 other people cos you think its funny?

Think about it…..its operation is the easiest thing in the world…..all you need to do is put the belt over your shoulder, step on the accelerator and release it when you want to stop…….no tension wali baat at all….even if you bang into someone, no one gets hurt!...Plus, no fuel!

So picture this….what if all cars were the larger and fancier version of bumper cars??? They look cool alright and if a theme park can afford to run 20 of them in one arena, then can’t be so expensive either…..anyone over the age of about 8 years can ride it…..so it basically fits all the criterions of what is required from a transport vehicle….and to top it, advantages like never before…..no one will ever die of a car accident again!
And what’s more….its new, its different and its fun!

In fact I have even imagined what this new creation would look like……Bumper cars x 3 times, available in yellow, red, white and black…….and haa it will be called ‘Bubbly’….you can accessorize it too! Course reverse would be a problem but then again every idea has a few glitches……for a start its light so you can just push it with your hands…Easy! (Saves a daily workout too.) And hey! Airplanes don’t have reverse gears either! If they can manage, I’m sure Bubbly will too!

Any one wanting to be party to my grand idea can get in touch with me over copyrights issues….am totally willing to negotiate! :)
Yea I know I know…..frivolous sometimes….but ki karaa….dil to baccha hai ji!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Bijness!!!


Everyone who has ever aspired to earn money, would at some point have thought of starting up a business…….if not for the drive of being successful then at least for the want of being your own boss…….and it only helps to read about high school dropouts who come up with a bright idea and reinvent the way the world is maneuvered.

From past experience……..not of having my business…..but seeing tons of people operating it from close quarters…..here’s the few things I have understood of how the whole design works…..most of it you may have already heard and known so its just a checklist that you can look up if you intend to be the person making a difference sometime soon.

To get the start up phase right, this is what you need to do-

Dimaag ki batti jalaao- First things first, you need a brainstorm idea…..that is, what you want to do…..if its unique that’s great…….but let it not be sooo unique ki its application finds few or no real takers….then again not something itnaaa ordinary ki people don’t notice it at all.

Market survey- Next up, find out whether you can get people to care about what you make……and people here does not mean friends and family……chances are they look forward to your venture more in the hope of getting free samples than anything else, so its more of cost than benefit. However if your friends have great contacts, then you can rule out what I just said.

Finance- Most mostttt important…..you need to figure out where the money is to come from…...if you have your own resources, nothing like it…….. if you don’t, then don’t get novel ideas of loans, venture capital or seed finance……they are just an eyewash and take up more from you than actually support you…..leaving behind just about a hand to mouth percentage of what you truly deserve…..so best option is…..I know it sounds bad but…..forget the ego and beg your dad! If it makes you feel better, think about how proud he will be when you succeed!

Name- ‘What’s in a name?’……..that quote ought to have died almost immediately after Shakespeare’s demise…….Pick a great name……something jhataak that stays in the mind……and puhleeezzz something original!!!!

Ask the expert- I’m not saying this for my benefit (yeah a little maybe), but its actually the truth…….if there have been people into this field for a good 30 to 40 years and have survived, then surely they are doing more than just paapad sukhaana……..ask them how to go about the legal aspects and save yourself unnecessary trouble……and here’s a tip…..if you make a great presentation, they might even give you a free consultation in the hope of roping you in as a client……if their word works for you, come back….if it doesn’t, chuck them and move on!

Don’t hire women…. initially- Ever seen immigration lines at airports? The one with the woman at the counter alwayyys moves the slowest!…..not a generalization but just a majority study that thinks women give more attention to detail and are more organized……this is a good thing but unfortunately you don’t need much of that in the initial phase of your plan……hate to say this……but women can’t work overtime, need double protection and are a little slow (You already will have enough problems so why give way to these new ones?)

Get your accounts sorted- Once you are set and on course, keep track of where the money goes and how much comes in…..most people don’t pay much attention to this…..biggg mistake……you need to know whether your entire exercise is bearing any fruits at all…..the idea is not to do business…the idea is to earn profits!

Last up, Be patient- You can’t have overnight success…….a lot of time and energy is required……..plenty from others and more than much more from you……you might have unprecedented costs like insurance and police ka haftaa…..not everything can be planned…..so a little off track is ok.

All said and done, in the end…… rules or no rules……honest hard work always gets rewarded!.......unless you are a bit unlucky maybe.

Contests 2 Win

Ye jo world hai na world………..isme do tarah ke log hote hai…..one who win contests and others who don’t. I obviously belong to the second category and with utmost regret have to say that I haven’t won a single contest in my entire life. Forget a Honda Civic or 1 crore ki raashi, I haven’t even so much as won an A-size Duracell battery!

That however does not stop me from filling n number of forms with name, place, address and why I like the product. Here’s how history has been to me (its as many instances as I can remember)

Dial One aur jeeto- there was an old contest on TV hosted by Mandira Bedi where you had to call and if she chose your number then you could play a game of general knowledge with her (I think….don’t completely recollect)….well so I tried it too……unfortunately they asked me to hold the line……..for eons…. and when I realized my phone ka bill was going upp, upp and upp…..i hung upp…….hmm maybe they forgot or something……hota hai….lots of traffic na.
Anyway Better luck next time!

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna- Yeah it’s the movie I am talking about….wo Shahrukh and Rani wala……before the release of the movie as a marketing stunt, they introduced an online contest of…..complete the line and win 50 lakhs!!!!! Ya ya ya yaaa!
And the line started with…….Kabhi Alvida na Kehna breaks all stereotypes because….Now the correct answer would have been….. because it deals with infidelity….but unfortunately that is not a very good thing…..at least I don’t think so and hopefully most others too……how can you make a tag line sound good when it has so much negativity to it? You see that’s why I didn’t win it…….cos I have an active conscience!!
Haa haa pata hai better luck next time.

Women’s Era Crossword- This was a really simple one…..a crossword that needs to be solved, send it by mail and win 5k…easy!.....oh and attach a photograph with your friends too…..in response to this I sent at leasttttt 3 completed crosswords…with help from every person on the planet and not to forget wasted 3 of my most precious pictures too……never in my life was I more optimistic of winning anything else….But nah! wasn’t meant to be either!
Koi gal nai ji! Better luck next time!

Arrow Shirts- Yet another tag line………I like Arrow Shirts because…….the correct answer would have been….because they are really boring and therefore good for uncleji’s…..guess they couldn’t appreciate my honesty and there goes my Chevrolet Aveo! :(((((( .
Hmm next time hai na!

Dell Laptops- This was a recent one received by e-mail…….Using Windows Live Messenger on my Dell laptop is a unique experience because……….Ok using Messenger is an ‘experience’????.....Now that’s something I didn’t know! Plus, how would I know what kind of an experience it is when I don’t have a Dell Laptop in the first place? Lost it on grounds of this stoopid technicality. Damn!
Better……….. (You get the idea right?)

All in all, I’m beginning to understand that I will probably never make the cut and the ‘better luck next time’ wala next time will never come at all. However, the thrill is simply fascinating……every time I see, you have won a new Viao, despite all the warnings of a likely virus that could even damage my existing system, I do make it a point to at leasttt read the content, if not follow the link.
Ahh! Some things were just designed to lure!