Thursday, August 12, 2010

Problems.....chal hatt

Meherbaan's and kadardaan's.......
First, allow me to make an introduction........... They have no electricity, their houses are made of thatched roofs, the nearest water closets being well over a kilometre away. And I thought... Oh beechar people......must be so frustrated to live in such a God forsaken place. But here's the biggest surprise......this is the way they CHOOSE to live. They DO NOT WANT ELECTRICITY because with it comes TV, radio and other modern gadgets that create class differences. And this is the place that has produced several doctors, lawyers, engineers and other professionals. They all live together, pray together and the biggest upside....They are happy with this simple life.
Before you think I'm cooking up some fantasy, I'd like you to know, it's a true instance of a village named Meivazhisalai, near Chennai and is what appeared in The Deccan Chronicle.

Now I'm not the full on deshbhakt type but my love for the country defines new levels when it comes to beauty paegants and cricket matches. However, sometimes there's a small little voice that pricks.....Is India really all that great? Is this whole 'Mera Bharat Mahan' thingy overrated?

So what am I getting at? Just this.......the only reason why we even feel the unsatisfaction is because we ourselves to others and start developing a complex. Oh look their media is so efficient...ours isn't..........Their life is so comfortable, we don't even have electricity. What if we just stopped? What if we too thought like those villagers and felt happy with what we had? For the record, the leader of the village is 110 years old and agile enough to give an interview plus a free handshake. Cool no!

Here's my theory.... If there is a problem, fix it. If you can't, then stop cribbing, smile in the mirror, pretend like you have a dimple and do it the Sadiya way.

There was this ad on TV that I caught....which went like... "Hippo ka maanna hai ki har buraai ki jad hai bhook"........Hippo does not mean the animal Hippo, and not even a philosopher (short for Sri Sri Hipaneshwaracharya) who comes as the latest avatar of Aristotle, but is actually a chips packet.......Now you might have various questions like why in the world did they name chips as "Hippo" (kya kare creativity ka zamaana hai dude) or still deeper questions like, how can eating a chips packet end all buraai that exists in this world? Answer- I don’t know.

So instead I will give you answers to other questions that luckilyyy I do happen to know......Presentingg my newestttt latesttt and total todu fodu theories on solutions to all the major problems India faces today.....Allow me to enlighten you.....

To begin with, we define our problem/(s). Now I am going to take up the 5 most prominent ones (in order of priority) and solve them chutkiyo main. Watch! ;)....I would also say learn....but then nothing much to learn

1- Employee layoff’s- Now you might wonder why this ranks top of my list......the reason being, unlike other problems like terrorism, we come out of it alive with just a little deflationary dent in our ego.....I mean its one thing to know you are useless but to be told so by others is an altogether different, its not a global issue so can be addressed at the individual level.

Solution- The main reason why you get laid off is because you give your boss the impression that you are what you really need to do, is every time your boss shows up, open the lengthiesttt Balance sheets and furiously jab numbers over your calci. Also, ensure your expression at all times is like those of models walking on the ramp and portraying like theirs is the mosttt serious job in the world! Think! All they have is looks.....You on the other hand have a degree......Surely you can manage this much! Next, share your lunch with your boss.....(best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...remember remember??) this way he won’t fire you cos having you ousted would mean no yumm yumm lunch for him=huuuuge loss....the point of layoff’s is to cut losses naaa!

And finally, always keep a copy of The Financial Times with you....Smarty oye!

Root cause of layoff= Recession- which is next up.

2- Recession- As you may have already noticed, any problem we ever face in India, is blamed on recession.....its like the new age Raavan that needs to be fought, not by dancing under waterfalls like Jr. Mrs. Bacchan, but by using an altogether different technique.

Solution- Reduce our turnover....the main cause of recession is new technology that has led to huge production hence fewer takers, hence losses......Therefore, start se start karo.....reduce this production......cut slack.....and India is just right for this kind of stuff. I mean the last time I checked we were a developing country.....and its been that way since I was born at leasttt....(Didn’t I turn out just fine?)..... So my take is.....just let things be the way they were....since when did we become so sophisticated to work every single second of the day? Why change our identity by adopting all this lateshhtt technology? If others think we are a land of mystical baba’s then let it be....What difference does it make?.......I propose.... 2 hrs lunch break+ 20 mins tea break in the morning+ 20 mins tea break in the evening. This way we do our own thing, have a better social life, hire our own people and improve market adaptability situation.......But yeah I guess we could use high speed exception is no big deal na?

3- Inflation- Everyone is complaining about it......Now people don’t buy cars because the fuel happens to be more expensive than the car in the long run..... so how to curtail that?

Solution- Simple! Don’t pay your taxes....that way you will have 30% more income.....(the inflation rate in 2009 was 11.09% as per Google....duh! how else would I know?)........So this way you actually make a profit and when the tax authorities issue a case hearing for you and ask for a bribe to ‘settle’ the matter, put your phone wala camera to good use and send the clip to CNN IBN as a citizen journalist!!!!!! Tadaaaa! This way you get famous too!

4- Frequent air crashes- Ok I don’t even need to start on how every other day there is a flash headline on how an aircraft crashed or nearly crashed.......needless to say we first say hhhh.....then recollect if any of our friends and family were on board.... thank God for our safety and make a vow never to travel by Air India (in most cases that’s the carrier)......and then if we have time after that, express our grief for those now swaaha. This definitely needs to end....The main reason as I understand for this problem, is faulty engineering and overworked pilots.

Solution- Hire more engineers.......Yeah there are scores of unemployed engineers down south of our country.....take them in! for pilots, well they should be allowed a one hour ‘power nap’ when flying in order to encourage free style operations......just take the aircraft wherever you like....C’mon everyone could use a holiday......and most of us travel economy anyway so its not like we are going to miss a million dollar deal right?

If in case we do miss one, then sue them......that way paper losses that are going to be incurred, would at least be for the right reasons!

5- And finally, Terrorism- Yeah that’s a big one. The reason for terrorism is unhappy people.......So that needs to be changed.

Solution- Firstly, Mani Ratnam and Sanjay Leela Bhansali should be banned from making see the start of terrorism is depression......3 hours of Dil Se or Saawariya is definitely enough to trigger the cause.

Secondly, and dating websites need to be popularized.....that way, if every guy has a girlfriend/wife, the lady will ensure that any kind of revolutionary ideas in her sweetheart’s head is instantly smacked out, and symptoms of recurrence would be greeted by a grilling interrogation cum pravachans cum nagging and reminders of how ridiculous he was= Shame for life! He will think as in most cases, that he is worthless.....And as we all know, people with low self morale, don’t blow up cities. Huh!

And successfully, my social responsibility of bringing about ways to world peace stands completed......I think I may be thinking the same thing that you are thinking....I would make a sooper sooper Miss India....No?

Pringoo (No, they are not related to Pringles!)


namit said...

well well, m glad that you wrote, and its really cool...and hirin more engg cant be any solution it wud just worsen the situation... :)
and if every1 wud stop payin taxes... U R FIRED.. :D

Sadiya said...

worsen the situation?? :(....but that's what the Air India folks told in an interview abt having less ground staff engineers.

abt me getting fired thingy....hehe got u!....u seee....just as in a court, u need a lawyer, in a tax case hearing you need a CA/auditor to represent u. so technicallyyyy that would mean my earnings would be shooting up the roof ;) (apne pairo pe kulhaadi thode na maarni hai humne)

kiran said...

I now read your blog for the first time. And i dont think it would do justice if i just say you write well. I am speechless ,looking at the way you handle every topic. keep up the good work!

wise donkey said...

I strongly disagree. Its not the ratnams who create terrorists.

its these matrimonial websites. already there is a shortage of girls thanks to foeticide. then these websites makes them think girls will do anything and everything for them and will pamper them and sponsor them and keep them happy.

but what happens when these guys sign up with the sites. the girls in the ads are already married. and they cant contact those in charge of these sites.

so these frustrated guys end up as terrorists.

Sadiya said...

@kiran- flattered thnk u. will try n keep up wid all d wowwiee stuf u sed :)

@wise donkey- lol! so now if guys dont get a girl, they are going to blame it on foeticide??
neway i have a chakachak solution fr u...wat wid evryone goin global....find a japanese grlfrn...tada!!! loads of grls dere and pritee too. Added bonus a cool new secn language (in a lottt of demand nw)....dekhaa! aam ke aam gutliyo ke daam! aur bhi koi problem ho na to directtt mere paas aana :)

D2 said...

Well thought out, I must say!
I think Karan Johar should be placed alongwith Mani Ratnam and Bhansali. Watching his movies and liking them might make some men think they are not manly enough and hence, resort to terrorism and honour killings and rape to prove their manhood! As for employee layoffs, I got employed for a South Korea based company recently, and so I must look into the food aspect. Sushi might work, I suppose. :D

Nice work. :D

Sadiya said...

Hi D2!
@kjo comment- lol
@saving urself frm layoff- frgt sushi n think maggi...u simply cant go wrong with chinese, japanese, south- koreans, indonesians....all bhaai bhaai so im positive they would loouve it :)

wise donkey said...

the lack of girls is serious and really real.

on ur solution,
why japanese, everywhere girls are more than boys except in India. but see many Indian guys don't want just fair lovely girls. they want dowry and want a free financier in form of their inlaws. I doubt if Japanese parents would be willing to do that.

So the terrorist problem continues.

btw i commented back on the media comment.

Sadiya said...

arey waah! i gav u a solution to d kudi's being few thingy n u hav suddenly changed ur stance altogether! anyway, fortunately sadiya ke ghar der bhi nahi n andher bhi regards this whole dowry issue, if the guy wants dowry, u cn be sure he is jaha tak i kno terrorists r mostly in suicidal or not averse to the risk of being caught....wat selfish guy in this world would be ok wid dat? i mean u do the math- marne se to japanese grlfrn bettr hai na? :)

wise donkey said...

brilliant jawaab!

but just to argue:D
these guys are not selfish, just insecure and angry at not getting what they want. and you know how a child reacts if others don't let him join the fun, makes sure others don't have fun either by snatching the toy or hurting them.

but if japanese matrimonial agencies started advertising in India maybe, these guys will see reason.

if it works, i hope you realise you will get a Nobel for it.

Sadiya said...

num nummmm....did u say Nobel?...okies... miss india gaya tel lene.....*sob sob* i'd like to thank my mom n dad!

Jancy said...

Brillant Sadiya .. :D (as you always were)

Sadiya said...

hee *blush blush*...thnx jance! :)