Saturday, January 23, 2010

Heart of the matter

Tears! They are probably the worst thing that could happen to mankind…you have absolutely nooo control over them. In fact the more you want to ask them to behave themselves the more rebellious they get.

When a situation goes wrong or a wee bit unpleasant….extra food forced on you or someone yells at you, it’s the first reaction that forms on the inside….like all your other senses go into some sort of shut down mode, your intestines tug at your stomach and next thing the waterworks are on….

Its like there is one Voice inside you…the reasonable person that says…..Hey cmon yaar don’t be silly…what is there to cry?? to rone wala situation bhi nahi hai.But nahiii The Heart just doesn’t care to listen…It says… Oh yeah smarty?
Now the voice knows ki koi faida nahi…..this is a dimwit that it’s being pitched against.
So The Voice becomes a humble person…the next try is more mellow…..its no more scolding…a lot like…. understanding… and it says Chalo yaar leave it na….not a big deal…hota hai….take a deeeeep breath.But no….the heart won’t listen…..if anything, its more resilient than ever… makes a baby face, big sad eyes and tampers with the weak nerves saying…..Aww look at me no…me so hurtttt!! :(((((Now the voice becomes desperate…..all the hi-fi attitude goes away…. comes down on both knees and says…. Pleeease Pleeease don’t cry…..Pleeease don’t create a scene….Sab dekh rahe hai……and yet all this begging and pleading don’t do one good.

Next thing you know…your vision goes blur and there it is…..a long trail of salt water on your poor cheekoo face. As expected everyone gets awkward because of your stupid Heart and The Voice tells…..SEEEE I told you!!!!….Kar li na manmaani!......Loser!

I have a lot of questions on the subject….Are people who cry really weak??....Why can’t we be in control of the way we feel?.......How come guys don’t cry? Or cry so little?......Why do people cry at weddings? How come they are ok for all through the function but right at the time the girl leaves everyone just starts pouring in buckets together??? I mean are they so dumb that they never realized before the girl was going away… all of what was actually happening? In fact looking at everyone crying makes you feel so abnormal if you are not doing the same thing…..
That’s when The Voice says…..Ab to cry baba….thoda to bhi cry….looks so bad….sab ro rahe hai……Pleaseeee cry!! But The Heart says Nope nope…..mood nahi….Damn you!

Doing all the wrong things at the wrong time…..sooooo uncooperative……embarrassing you…..making you look like a bad person……all for which you are not even responsible in the first place…..But what can you do about it? Hello hello. Koi hai?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ye India hai- Yaha kuch bhi possible hai

You can create an entire new state by merely going on a fast for a couple of days… can run an airline on losses worth of Rs. 5500 and odd crores in a single year and yet be put up at 5 star hotels…. that’s not all…you can also steal water from the municipality and sell it in the grey market….go against the Constitution by being abusive to other religions without having anyone so much as feather touch your persona and an alleged murderer can be set free with his lawyers claiming him to be carrying out business in the pleasant location of a nightclub!!
Yes that’s India- where everything just…pop…happens!- No reason, no justification, no consequences and no accountability….plain charisma!

Take the Bandra-Worli Sea Link in Mumbai for instance. It cost a round figure fortune of 4200 crores….To be able to access it costs a good 50 bucks- one way, so obviously middle-class people can’t afford it. Hence the entire project boils down to being made so that a few elite people can save 20 minutes of their precious time….and this is the expenditure plan of a country where about 80,000 villages do not even have electricity! But who is to be questioned?

Its money that talks all the way. In the entire figure of speech there’s one thing that everyone steadfastly stands by- the reason for the current state of affairs are our politicians….they are greedy and have one goal in life…paisa!

Course we willingly go on a bender to humor them when it comes to getting past traffic rules, jumping queues, reducing tax liabilities etc…..but under the table dealings don’t really matter in those situations cos hey…everyone’s doing it anyway!…..lekin looking at the big picture…..its politicians kharaab hai…….buy a cool drink n junk it on the road…..then see a heap of smelly stuff near your house and say……municipality to kuch kaam hi nahi karti…..that’s how the blame game works isn’t it?

In extreme situations like terror attacks the media covers it unendingly for 48 hours….after which half the city shows up to light candles…..2 months down the line a movie is made on ‘what actually happened’- its reality cinema after all……come the 6 month mark n all the rhythm wears away- oh we term it as ‘the spirit of India or Mumbai’. In other words what we are saying is….we don’t mind if u kill us cos we have a really positive spirit! And despite being witness to all this, there still are people who do not vote and consider it as….mere ek vote se kya hona hai….election day is more like a holiday where there are far more priorities that need to be looked out for.

Its all of a ‘sab chalta hai’ attitude. If there is more water content in the milk then it’s a mere case of aajkal quality hi kharaab hai…..if the fridge service guys don’t show up on time in spite of guarantees and warranties, we just put up with it in a grudging manner and buy a different brand in future (who also lives upto the exact same standards). Forget consumer complaints, a majority of us do not even read the instruction manual to know what the item promises to us in the first place.

Why then should we complain of never being able to grow or being the target of twisted political gambles? What have we done about it anyway?

Don't be a baalti!

Chill. This is not about the different types of buckets (but if u insist on knowing then they come in different colors- red, blue, green and various sizes…medium, large etc…..unfortunately that’s about all the gyaan I can give on the subject) .
Anyway- the content here is actually a simple observation- A couple of years ago (or Once upon a time- however you like to read it), a neatly scrubbed face is all it took to flaunt your complexion….the one’s not so happy with the existing color were into the whole…..haldi lagaao….rang nikhrega…thingy…so looking at the plight of those segments came the dayavaan professional savior…..Shahnaz Hussain ka herbal home made remedy in a fancy package…..From the looks of her I would be dubious buying anything she claimed to be good but all the same it was a hit hit….after all our beechaar janta ke paas no other option na- majboori ka naam Gandhiji. Ok so far so good.

But in light of this, how could our genius copy-cat entrepreneur minds be starved when there was so much out in the market to clone? Enter Fair and Lovely…..Now they had to prove that they were bigger and better than the existing products so the stakes rose to….7 hafto main goraapan warna paise wapas…. I have always had this question….how does this money back scheme work? You show an empty tube of the cream and a before+after picture of you which is more or less the same? Is that the way it’s done?? Do they return your money? I’d reallyyy like to know!

Well anyway, the audiences rushed to welcome this new change……but Alas! It soon struck the super speedy generation that they couldn’t wait 7 long weeks to get fair…so that went down to 5 weeks…..nope nope…still too much waiting…..1 week???….but thennnnn….1 week is still 7 days…..1680 hours!!!......hmm ok time being ke liye chalega and a compromise was reached…..the fairness givers at this stage realized that they had utilized all the existing scope…..they couldn’t just stagnate….a new propellant had to be brought in….and thus was floated a new concept….Just flawless fairness is not enough, you also need to look ‘young’…..that’s for the oldies ka market… their husband’s can see a visible ‘change’! Enter still more brands like Olay and Recova….you might think this is as far as gets….but no ladies and gentlemen….there’s more in store…the latest Ponds ad even features a normal pretty face on which spots are ‘likely’ to appear in the future. I mean seriously….do they think we are crazyyy???

And now we have super markets flooded with shining white creams and colorful dabba’s……luring packages that are bound to confuse the most rational souls… step ahead is the fact that they all, without exception, condemn your existing skin……the cover always reads…..for dry skin, for oily skin, for blemished skin…etc….the least compliment you can expect from them is ‘normal’ skin… if you don’t go for that, you are more or less……yep that’s right…..“abnormal”!

What I fail to understand from all this is… in the world can you get fairer than what you were meant to be??? Isn’t this just a way of exploiting people’s sentiments and invoking feelings of racism? Course what don’t help are commercials telecasted of how much better it would have been if a parent had a son instead of a dark daughter…but hey! fairness cream comes in and with three tones of adhik goraapan, madam becomes the ‘beta’ of the house!!! That’s just sinking to depths of pettiness.
How far would you go to market a product that in actual fact is plain trash?

Friday, January 1, 2010

What's your Raashi

As you have been acquainted with my multiple talents already, I would like to make a humble addition to this modest list- Bhavishyavaani!!! Yeah I can do it sometimes, but only for very special people and you happen to be among the lucky few. Course you might question my intentions n say- since when did I become your relative….in response to which all I can say is…. Don’t get personal….I’m feeling kind today and this happens to be my New Year’s gift to you….and haa before you form any newer questions in your head, allow me to begin

Yes, thank you. Here’s how the coming year is going to look for you

Aquarius- Ahh! Terrible! You are going to have a huge argument with your mom for not cleaning your mom…but don’t leave home and go away….after all jaane ko aur koi jagah bhi to nahi…..just tighten your fists and break a few plates…oh and tell yourself….aal izz well!
Lucky color- Golden
Relationships- Not so good. I suggest you shut your eyes all of this year cos anything remotely relationship-like will end in major disaster.

Pisces- You are going to be consistently visited by relatives from near and far….be nice to them…..u know na.…atithi devo bhava!....Show them around and alwayyys keep a bottle of Mazaa in the fridge…..just in case it falls short…nooo don’t add water…..tip in a few ice cubes baba. Sab kuch main hi bataoo kya?
Lucky color- Beige
Relationships- You will make plenty of new friends after which people will get bored of you.

Aries- This year is going to bring you plenty of surprises. Your domestic helper may run away for a start….with your driver…. so you are going to have to become the new nanny plus driver plus dhobi of the house..…might I recommend…easy off bang…bang aur mail gayab!! careful though, because your over enthusiasm will inevitably make a few puddles of muddles
Lucky color- Shocking pink
Relationships- Nah no time. Arey yaar prioritize!

Taurus- You are going to find yourself a rewarding career…with a very nosey manager. If you want to make peace with him…take a shower everyday….nope do din main one time nahi chalega.
Lucky colors- Red and Orange
Relationships- A lot of positivity indicated. Just implement your lucky color scheme on your clothes put together and you will undoubtedly win the attention of anyone you so desire. People won’t get enough of you…they will just look and look and well…look!

Gemini- You are going to make some fairly elaborate travel plans but your visa won’t show up last minute. Don’t be disappointed cos you will settle for visiting your mummy ke sister ki niece ki cousin ki friend ki mummy from the neighboring city.
Lucky color- Indigo
Relationships- Good times to come

Cancer- Your talents are finally going to get recognition on a global scale… fact there is a very good chance that you might be featured on the cover page of one of the forthcoming pet journals…..keep the magic smile coming!
Lucky color- Magenta
Relationships- New turn to old beginnings.

Leo- .Your health shows certain signs of disagreement…. Keep your medicine box close at hand, the doctor’s number saved in your contact list and ghar main ek kaala Hit laake rakhne ka….after all ek macchar bhi dangerous hai!
Lucky color- Mustard
Relationships- You will pass on your disease to everyone you meet and they will dump you in the later half of the year for the same.

Virgo matlab kanya raashi- The upcoming year looks pretty accident prone for you. No major ailments but you might fall down a couple of staircases…..a couple of times….strictly advised that you wear your spectacles day in and day out.
Lucky color- Parrot green
Relationships- So long as you don’t act over smart everything will be fine….charming as you always are!

Libra- 2010 looks alright for you. A promotion is indicated with a raise of almost 200 Rupees!! Plenty of travelling also seems likely… a radius of 5 kms from your house.
Lucky color- Farmville green and brown
Relationships- Just go with the flow.

Scorpio- The hard work you have put all of last year…will finally yield benefits… your friends and colleagues….however don’t let this depress you as you will have their undying gratitude.
Lucky color- Bright sunny yellowww!!
Relationships- Fabulous. Lots of new faces…..not very good-looking though.

Sagitarius- Recession is going to hit you hard….in all probability you will lose your job or have a sharp wage cut….still worse your parents won’t grant you a big allowance and most of this year is going to go kadki main.
Lucky color- Saffron
Relationships- Sorry! Can’t be afforded!

Capricon- This is going to be a fortunate year for you. You are likely to get a tax refund. However your partner will spend it on some decorative item and a huge fight will ensue. You will also meet a painfully dud like guy on one of your travels, but be patient and let him sleep on your shoulder…..he just might end up being your lucky mascot and hand you a huge business contract. Lucky color- Grey and Violet
Relationships- Oye lucky, lucky oye!

P.S- All the above information is true to the best of my knowledge ….biased in some cases where concerns friends and family…..Course, if it were to be proved contrary in the course of the following year… then it is purely because God is punishing you for exploiting my invaluable services free main. Stay safe, be happy and blow lots and lots of balloons.